Mortivi
by MissPixel and Lurbe Flummel
Summary: Varying genres. Chapter 20: Klaos learns that Pai does not work well with baby turtles.
1. Vhang the Unnecessary

_Disclaimer: Although I (haven't seen Lurbe do it yet) will probably be writing about them and warping their personalities so completely that all that remains of the originals are their appearances, let it be known that we do not own any of the henchmen mentioned, nor do we own Cantha, Shing Jea, or any other place we might happen to include. However, we do own Pai Plumei and Klaos Blackadder (to be featured in the next chapter)._

_Now for the format. Yes, we are two people (I, obviously the more long-winded and unnecessarily florid of the two, and Lurbe – less obviously since he hasn't posted anything yet – the one who writes in short bursts of humor), and since Lurbe __hasn't actually posted, the rule doesn't really make sense. However:_

_If you do decide to review, it really doesn't matter which author you review. Just let us know which comments go to which author. "Too many pretentious words" at the end of chapter two is a pretty clearly defined, if rather rude, criticism, but it doesn't specify __who used too many pretentious words, so that can't very well help us can it?_

_That said: this is MissPixel – Pix for short, Plummeting Plum if you really want to get into the details – with a not-quite-humorous-enough get-to-know-my-prose-style intro._

Vhang the Unnecessary  
or  
An Intro to Pai

Like most normal students at Shing Jea Monastery, Pai Plumei had grown up and watched her friends make mistakes, most of them born of childish ignorance and very few of them grave or life-altering in any way. If, by chance, she was foolish enough to ignore the lessons in their reckless actions, then she ended up learning by making those mistakes herself – crossing an instructor, oversleeping, kissing a boy, attempting to pet a kappa because she thought it looked sweet.

However, Pai had been lucky. Although she had taken her fair share of falls in her meager nineteen years – being the cause of a feud between men, although not in the sense she might have liked, was not the least of them – she could feel her rate of mistake-making slowing down as she aged, and knew that she was among the fortunate of her peers: without so much as getting her hands dirty, she had been able to simply stand by and learn from two of her contemporaries what she thought must be the most valuable lesson a fledgling elementalist could ever hope to learn.

Aeromancers and geomancers simply did not mix.

It was such a bleakly accurate fact that although in the past Pai had considered herself beyond such petty disagreements, she now simply dreaded the day she met a hydromancer, for even though she considered herself a rather pleasant conversationalist and could not envision herself becoming angry or annoyed at anyone, the truth was that there could be no cure for conflicting elements.

Of course, that meeting was unlikely; the only permutation of elementalism rarer than hydromancy was aeromancy – and since all the fashionable students became pyromancers, she should have no trouble connecting with people she would like and avoiding people she was certain she would not.

The simple prickling of her skin as she walked stiffly at Jinzo's side was more than enough to ensure her that earth and air were both close by, and that even a meeting as short as this one would be tender and easily inflamed. And if Pai knew her teacher at all, he would provide a sufficiently provocative irritant, and then some.

Indeed, it was with the utmost displeasure that Kai Ying watched Headmaster Vhang approach as he stood at the gate. His two companions, the ranger Zho and the assassin Panaku, stood on his either side (Pai smiled when she saw that Panaku's bruise from yesterday had not lessened; his pained expression as he rubbed gingerly at it was a rare and amusing sight), and each looked inappropriately excited as their synchronized heads turned back and forth from the instructor to the headmaster as if waiting for some entertaining brawl to flare up.

Pai had learned after some time to recognize her teacher's piqued mannerisms, one of which was standing tilted to one side with his arms crossed as he chewed on his lip with a distinctly cocked eyebrow – he was doing that now – and the other of which was shooting a stream of perfectly timed insults with a straight face and a ready-to-assume defensive stance.

She bit her lip and hoped he wouldn't feel inclined to do the latter. It didn't help that the person on the other side of Jinzo was Headmaster Vhang, who had been unfortunately assigned to accompany them to Kaineng Center and who, by the look on his face, came more than ready to engage his subordinate in physical combat should it come to that.

"Master Togo's correspondences pin you as quite the prodigy," Jinzo said, and Pai cracked a weak smile when she realized that he had been talking to her – or trying to – for the last thirty seconds or so. "Thank you, sir."

"Don't thank me," he said with a smile, obviously relieved that she had decided to pay attention, "thank the magical womb that bore you."

"I'll do that, sir."

"Stop spoiling her," Vhang put in, much to the displeasure of Instructor Ying just a few feet away, "lest her head get too big."

Pai had also learned through years of watching them trade blows that Kai Ying needed very little by way of motivation to begin his string of insults. This small phrase fell just over the required provocation, as Kai Ying was extremely protective of his students, Pai in particular since she studied exclusively under him, and in the entirety of her memory, she could not recall an instance in which her teacher had allowed Vhang to speak badly of her without striking back.

"If she's good enough for Togo, she's certainly good enough for you," Kai Ying said, and then in a mutter that wasn't quite soft enough, "You're one to talk about inflated self-worth… looks like no one even made an effort to stem _your_ flow of arrogance."

As Vhang's shoulders stiffened, Pai dislodged herself quickly from Jinzo to stand beside her party.

"Ying-san, don't make him angry," Pai pleaded in a low voice.

"Don't tell me he's here to stay," Panaku said, and Zho whistled through her teeth. "It shouldn't matter… we shouldn't complain about an extra ally."

"Not at all," Kai Ying replied amiably, "It'll be nothing short of a blessing to have Vhang the Unnecessary on the team."

"Please tell me he didn't hear that," Pai said quietly, and apparently he hadn't.

"Where is Professor Gai?" Jinzo asked, "Master Togo specified all of you."

"Stumbling about with the wool over his eyes," Kai Ying said with a smirk. Zho and Panaku smiled, and Pai felt dangerously unstable as the corners of her mouth twitched – how long had it been since they'd discovered, after accidentally knocking it off his head, that the material of Gai's headwrap was no more exotic than sheep's wool? It had to have been at least a month, and they still hadn't gotten tired of mocking the garment… Gai had conveniently neglected to replace it in accordance with the joke, but she doubted it would die out easily even if he did.

"That's simply hilarious, Ying," came Gai's voice as he walked up, "I'll have you know that this is the finest quality wool this side of Cantha."

"You do know that that is quite possibly the _only_ wool this side of Cantha," Zho said with a barely contained smile.

The fragile formal trance had been broken at last. All five burst into uncontrollable giggles, and while Jinzo deigned to smile at the volatile humor of young people, Vhang appeared miffed. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing at all, Vhang," Zho replied as she stifled her sniggers, and it wasn't a lie – Gai's second-rate headgear was the least of the group's impulsive amusements, and Pai knew for a fact that the aeromancer would become no less than irate should one of the more complex jokes erupt.

"Right then… let's be off," Vhang said, "it'll get dark soon, and we'll want to avoid the Am Fah before they get rowdy."

"How many Am Fah does it take – " Kai Ying began, but did not get far before Panaku clapped a hand over the geomancer's mouth. "Not that one again. If anything, the naga joke will suffice. Or perhaps the dirty one about jelly."

"Tell the kappa one," Zho put in, "That one's funny."

"No, the Crimson Skull one," Gai said, "I can never get it right when I tell it; I just need to hear it again and I'll have it."

"We need to get moving," Vhang cut in, annoyed.

"Certainly," Kai Ying said as he swatted Panaku's arm away with a grin, and Pai noted with some sadistic enjoyment that an idiot could see the waves of sarcasm radiating from his very posture.

Jinzo turned to Vhang. "I know there's a plague going around, and everything seems a bit grim, but honestly, Vhang. One can still have a little fun."

"Unlike some people," Vhang replied coolly, "I have neither the free time nor the appropriately carefree personality to waste time with jokes all day."

"We all have our special talents," Kai Ying retorted testily, all traces of a good mood suddenly gone, "mine just so happens not to be having a pole stuck up my ass all the time."

"Well!" Jinzo exclaimed, clapping his hands together nervously as the two men stared each other down and the rest looked on expectantly, "The headmaster's right. You should all get going. Kaineng Center is a long way from here."

* * *

Pai decided as she walked that this was a good formation in which to travel, and that with any luck at all, they would be able to maintain the strange arrow-pattern for the duration of the trip: Vhang at the front, the group of Panaku, Zho, Kai Ying, and Gai gazing hawkishly at the back of his burgundy head as they trailed behind, and Pai hovering uncertainly between them, thinking that perhaps if she maintained this unbiased position, neither elementalist would be able to issue any kind of complaint. 

She was unsure of how much longer this peaceful silence could possibly last, for the past few minutes had been the very epitome of bliss: no harsh words spoken, no acrid glances exchanged, no repulsed faces made by anyone at anyone else behind anyone else's back…

"I'm excited," she heard Kai Ying say in a low voice as she slowed her pace and drew closer, "I've always wanted a sixth wheel."

The small pyromancer sighed. Evidently it had been too good to last, and she was silly to think that she could do anything to change the inevitable.

Panaku let out a short burst of laughter, and quickly changed it into a gasp as Vhang looked sharply around. "What?"

"Nothing, Headmaster," Panaku grinned, "I… choked."

"On what?" Vhang asked tetchily.

"Canthan air, Vhang," Zho put in with a barely contained smile, "it reeks like death."

"Yes," Gai continued, "look, I can hardly breathe."

He issued a series of weak, pathetic coughs that might have been authentic had each one not been punctuated with a strange sort of gasping chuckle, and once again a small eruption of giggles floated through the air.

"You're all acting like teenagers," Vhang fumed, "I don't want to be here any more than you want me to."

"I am a teenager, sir," Pai put in, raising her hand, and heard a chorus of laughter in a circle behind her.

"Zho," Vhang snarled, obviously afraid that the situation was spiraling out of his control, "you're a sensible woman. For gods' sakes, someone here ought to be rational enough to know that this kind of behavior is silly and useless. Why don't you tell them that this is juvenile – all this secret-keeping, and – and giggling!"

"I'm not in a position to do that, Headmaster," Zho replied with a badly-executed mask of stoicism, and the aeromancer pursed his lips in irritation.

"Look, Vhang," Kai Ying said, "wouldn't you rather be mocked harmlessly by your contemporaries – perhaps that's a bit of a stretch, eh old man? – than become the target of a string of acerbic insults singularly directed towards the absurdities and general failings of your personality?"

Vhang ground his teeth as Pai began to snigger. Evidently he'd stopped listening at 'old man' – if there was one thing she knew he despised, it was anyone bringing attention to his age. It wasn't because he was old, because he wasn't – he hadn't even seen his thirtieth spring – but the fact remained that he was currently in the presence of a group of twenty-year-olds, and to them, he was a fossil.

"This is my therapy," Kai Ying said with a grin, and Vhang advanced with a growl. "Oh, by the time I'm through with you you'll need a different kind of therapy."

"Now look what you've done," Pai said crossly, walking abruptly in front of Kai Ying as he adopted a slightly defensive stance in response to Vhang's menacing movements, "I think those men want to fight."

"If you're busy, we understand," the ebony-clothed Am Fah behind Zho and Panaku said quickly, putting up his gloved hands, and his five companions gave nods of agreement. "Really, you all look like you've got enough to worry about."

"No," Zho said after she had turned around, "It's fine. We're done."

"It happens more often than you think," Gai put in, "You see, no one ever taught them the meaning of restraint."

Pai noted from his furrowed brow and frequent, impatient sighing that Panaku was not accustomed to treating his enemies with such bashful politeness. In the nonchalant fashion his companions had grown accustomed to, the assassin was the first to step up as his companions bantered back and forth about how to commence fighting with the least discomfort to either party, and without the slightest change of expression, although it was somewhat hard to tell because of the mask obscuring his face, drew himself up to slide his katar into the gut of the nearest Am Fah, who was kind enough not to make a scene of dying.

The awkwardness multiplied as the Am Fah gradually noticed that in their lapse of attention, the first strike had in fact been made. Since there was no more courteous discussion of who should initiate, Gai decided that this might be the time to throw a quip into the volatile silence.

"Subtle as always, Panaku."

Pai took her place at the back of the group as a rainbow of projectiles began to fly, taking the utmost care to insert herself neatly between Kai Ying and Vhang and make sure that this time, the murderous glares between them were short and relatively harmless.


	2. Klaos Blackadder

_I shan't bore you all with useless jabber. It is not within my character to do so. I fail to see why I should identify myself, but if you need it here it is: Lurbe Flummel._

The Assassin's Guide to Klaos Blackadder:  
Short and to the (Rather Fatal) Point

Of all the Serpents, Klaos Blackadder would probably be unanimously described as: most clueless.

Klaos's mother, referred to affectionately as Granny Adder by all her children as well as others who grew to love her for who she was - which wasn't much, left him in the care of his father, Keliohans Hobbin, a renowned ranger. Yet, after the rather untimely death of the late Hobbin at the hands of a band of roving Kkkappas! (or so they used to call them), Klaos, his brothers, Karls, and Keli Jr., and his sister Kina all set out on their own to start a living.  
Forced to make a living for themselves, the youngsters split apart, and Klaos was able to keep himself alive using his skill at pick-pocketing to make ends meet. While acquiring his breakfast-fare one day, however, Klaos was seized by the late, great necromancer, Herr Todd. Impressed, by the young lad's skill, Herr Todd adopted the boy. Before he set off on his last adventure across the sea, Herr Todd left Klaos in the care of the headmasters and headmistresses at Shing Jea Monastery.

While Klaos followed the line of the assassin, his training with Herr Todd as a young boy left quite an impression on him; he chose to follow a secondary profession in necromancy. When pressed, he always reverted back to childhood instincts, which were, of course, of a necrotic nature, thus he always was equipped with necromancer traits when he adventured. His other tribute to his foster-father came in the form of his first son; rather than, as in his family's long tradition, have his children share his first initial (K), named his first son Thodd Klaosski. Thodd, the apple of his father's eye, died at an early age - kidnapped and held for ransome before he caught pneumonia while swimming across the channel away from his captors and back home. He died shortly later, and Klaos never recovered from his loss.  
Klaos's second child, he named Bastien Klaosski, which he translated as "Blessed by God, the son of Klaos". While only a young child at the time of his older brother's death, Bastien too felt stung by his absense, and so Klaos adopted Mei Hua, the daughter of Pai, as his own so that Bastien had someone near his age to adventure with.


	3. In the Mountains

_Lurbe here. Again. No doubt you can tell the difference atwixt our styles by now, but for all the waffles out there: Pixi wrote the first two paragraphs._

How Pai Was Saved by the Daring Young Klaos Blackadder from His Brother Frank

Athough the cup lovingly dubbed by Zho, Panaku, and a lot of late-night booze as the Chalice of Corruption remained snugly in the possession of Talon - the group's designated pack mule, although he preferred to be known as a 'sumpter', whatever that meant - the Am Fah managed to retain some sadistic pleasure in leaping down from the roofs as they so often had when they and the group were enemies. Of course, aside from some burns, scratches, and narrowly avoided 'deaths-by-large-rocks', the guild of thieves and the party of travelers more often than not crossed paths, nodded greetings, and left with relatively little injury from their little pranks.  
Of course, this had led to Pai's learning to swear more loudly and unnecessarily than she usually did, and had added very much to Klaos's exasperation at being grabbed and hugged in fright every time an ebony-clothed man - often some long-lost sibling of his - decided that this might be an apt time to rappel down from the rooftops to say hello.

The first time this happened, of course, was way back as young adventurers in Sunqua Vale: On a harrowing journey through the white-capped mountains. After having battled Yetis, Sensalis, and, once, a Lesser Gasp, the group could see in the distance the banners that marked their arrival into Kinyang Province. Rushing towards it, Pai was caught unawares by a  
group of Crimson Skulls. As she and the henches struggled to dispose of their enemies, Klaos slowly ambled towards the scene; pausing for a second to call out, "Good to see you again, Frank; how's sis?", and to wait for a response ("Not bad, last I saw her, but her group has moved out."), Klaos easily dispatched of 'Frank' with a fatal blow from his (Takhayuun's Pincers). "Sorry, Frank," he murmured, "But you got a bit too close to my girl there for comfort." Pai stared at him in disbelief, which cost her: a ranger cut her down as she was turning back to rejoin the fray. Klaos thought for a second. Another second. A third. As Sister Tai desperately tried to heal their fallen comrades, Klaos outlined his plan to her: "I'll distract them; you heal the others and run as fast as you can into the Province: they won't follow you there." So saying, Klaos bravely -recklessly, actually- charged the remaining Crimson Skulls, crying "_Jao! Jao!_"

The world went black. Klaos could hear faint noises. He was drowning. He opened his eyes, but around him was all black. He turned his head. Nothing. Just darkness. Suddenly, he felt -rather than saw- the arrival of a light above him and a bit to his left. He rolled over and turned to face the light, which barely penetrated the murky depths. Frantically, he began moving his arms and legs; swimming towards the glow. The light flickered. Klaos felt his strength wane. But lo! It appeared again on that distant horizon. Klaos gave a furious kick and reached out to grasp the whiteness. He felt a hand slip into is own, pulling him up from the cold ocean. The world went black. Klaos could hear faint noises. He was suffocating. Klaos turned over, and felt something wet and cold underneath him. 'Snow', he remembered, 'It's snow.' He opened his eyes. His vision blurred, then slowly cleared out. He was on his back. In the snow. Surrounded by -

"What took you so long?" Pai was so relived to see her old friend back, she ignored the jibe, and threw her arms around his neck.  
"_Jao_," he murmured smoothly "Did you miss me?"  
Pai giggled, "Silly boy! No. But look: we made it to Kinyang Province."  
"That's nice," said Klaos, and fainted.


	4. Mesmer Issues

_Obviously Lurbe's last note was directed towards me. So I suppose I'll shut up... except to say that in a way, this goes out to Chaos Shadowcaster, who apparently doesn't like mesmers very much._

Mesmer Issues

"Aren't you happy for me?" Pai said with a cheery smile, ignoring the plate set with food before her, "I'm officially minoring in the domination arts. Lo Sha is so happy with my progress too; he says I'll make a great mesmer, although maybe that's because he couldn't stop staring at my chest... How's your necromancy going?"

"Fine," Klaos shrugged, finishing off the last of the fried radishes on his plate, "Su's a bit rough, although I guess she may just be PMSing. But as we were saying."

"About that brawl the Guardsmen told us to help them break up? Or about Master Togo's request to meet him in the sewers? Can't imagine why he didn't pick a more cheerful place."

"We've got a plan at any rate," Klaos said, reaching over the table to pick at Pai's uneaten almond bean curd skins, "What we'll do is go and meet Togo in the evening, and by that time the brawl will have already started, so I'm sure that whatever side we choose will be more than grateful for the help. I myself am partial to the Brotherhood, but I know you'd probably prefer the Am - "

"How nice," Pai cut in abruptly, and matched Klaos's puzzled glance with a grin.

"Er," he continued awkwardly, "yes. Very. But anyway, whichever side we choose, we'll make a friend but we'll also alienate the oth - "

"Mm-hmm."

With a slightly more irritated stare, Klaos disregarded her and continued. "The brawl won't end every - "

"How true."

"_ - won't end everything," _the assassin persisted through gritted teeth, "what we've got to do is determine which side of the city we've got more business in, the Byway or the Market - "

"Oh, I know."

Klaos's cool demeanor snapped. "Pai, what in the burning hells of Ascalon is your problem?"

"Don't you see?" she asked happily, "I'm interrupting you."

Klaos stared. "What do you m - "

"See?"

"You understand, Pai darling," the assassin said testily, "that isn't a spell; it's just an annoying personality trait that might get you beaten up later if you aren't careful."

"Not if all men are like Lo Sha... or you, in fact. Stop staring at those."

"For Lyssa's sake, it's a male reflex. Get used to it. And keep them off the table!"


	5. At the Beach

_Lurbe speaking. Pixie can make her own flowery introduction if she so chooses: she wrote the first half._

Loss and Latin

Weary with the tiresome practice of running from the increasingly faraway noises of shouts and screaming - which were obviously growing so faint that their owners would never catch her - Pai came to a gradual stop and bent nearly double, chest heaving through blood-splashed armor as she put her hands on her knees and tried to stop gasping.  
There wasn't really a point in trying not to look like a pathetic beaten-up fool, since she was miles away from a village or outpost, or in fact anyone who could possibly be around to laugh at her… and after all, she was a pathetic beaten-up fool. She could not remember the last time their group had been obliterated so completely and quickly, and was so embarrassed after turning and running that she had to attribute the defeat to the fact that either they had been outnumbered, six to seven, or that the Crimson Skull had the aid of a   
truly tenacious group of very good healers… and, of course, that silly assassins always tried to be heroes and ended up looking like pincushions after all the archers had gone and had their way with him.  
Never mind the fact that Klaos did so only because his five companions always ended up shuffling their feet about and never actually volunteering when the call came for someone to tank.  
"Oh, Balthazar," Pai snarled as she saw three figures standing a few yards away on the crest of a small hill, watching and whispering amongst themselves. "Oh, that's right, stop and laugh. Damn Crimsons. Well, go on then… oh, no, it's fine, I'm used to defeat. As if I haven't had enough to deal with already."  
When the three only fixed her with quizzical and somewhat miffed glances, she felt her anger rising.  
"Honestly," she snapped, "opportunists, all of you, and - and worthless too! Scavengers! You're the dregs of a great society, you know? You're the excrement of Cantha! Enough with you Balthazar-cursed bandits and your – and your stupid healers, that's another thing! You can't all hide in the back and chant; there must be someone left around here with some values… what are you waiting for? Go on and shoot me."   
Muttering collectively in an offended manner, each one exclaiming softly under his breath about how rude adventurers could be, the three Crimson Skull rangers turned and ambled back down the hill and out of sight.  
As Pai, trying her best to make herself feel better by adopting a whiny, mocking tone of voice and repeating their words as petulantly as she could, attempted to focus and think of her next course of action, she was suddenly interrupted by a tiny voice speaking in her ear. She resisted the urge to turn around, swear, and burst into flames, as she so often did when someone surprised her, for she immediately recognized it as the deep tone and pensive inflection of her late traveling companion.  
"I died," it said simply.  
Pai gave a testy sigh.  
"I know, Klaos. What do you want me to do about it? I'm not a shaman, you know, and you're not invincible. What do you expect when you run out in front all the time?"  
The voice fell silent, and Pai began to regret snapping at it, as she could probably have used some advice.

Pai curled up, hugging her knees close to her chest and burying her head. After a long stretch of blubbering, Pai's tear-stained face turned upward towards the heavens. Her sobbing quieted down, she could hear a faint, distant noise. She stopped and held her breath. Far away, she could make out the sounds of someone singing.

_quis possum fecire amica fugeret  
quis possum fecire amica fugeret  
quis possum fecire amica fugeret  
quis possum fecire amica fugeret iram habeo nunc_

_dic ei non abes mihi  
dic ei non abes mihi  
dic ei non abes mihi  
dic ei non abes mihi ubi te expecto_

_pai debes ibi veni  
pai debes ibi veni  
pai debes ibi veni  
pai debes ibi veni ante te interfacio_

_pai age tuum assinum  
pai age tuum assinum  
pai age tuum assinum  
pai age tuum assinum nunc similis dixi_

She ignored it, but then, it wasn't far away at all. Only...  
She stopped. Thinking about death and all of its implications, amplifications, and personifications made her head spin.


	6. The Hazards of Tanking

_In the absense of Pixi, I shall refrain from passing judgement save in the title._

Why Elementalists Ought Not To Tank

"Ecchh," was the first word, or half-comprehensible garble of noise, out of anyone's mouth after they emerged from the tiny passageway into an enormous cavern dotted in hanging stalactites and luminescent shallow pools, which seemed like it would echo magnificently any word spoken loud enough, and which also happened to be filled with the grunting, growling murmurs of ugly little gray creatures as far as the eye could see.

No one bothered to find out who had uttered the lone 'ecchh', although judging by the sheepish expression on the lower half of his face, it had probably been Gai, for all six quickly busied themselves with shrinking back into the corner and trying to make as little agitated noise as they could.

It was to no avail, for in the end, everybody in the front – Klaos and Panaku, namely – wanted to be in the back, and those who were normally in the back – everybody else – certainly did not appreciate being displaced to the front where they might speedily be eaten. Zho was the one who, with the help of her abnormally long and sharp nails, managed to win the spot by facing off with Kai Ying and essentially scratching the hell out of him, and so they managed to reach a grumpy, yelping consensus… with Klaos and Panaku at the front, of course.

The little gray creatures milling about appeared to lodge no complaint with the six adventurers scrunched uncomfortably into a corner of their lair – either that or they hadn't actually seen the awkward and very visible black-and-blue-and-purple-and-brown-and-green triangle because they were up on some kind of plateau. Taking that ambivalence to heart, Gai was the first one to dislodge himself and peer over the edge of the rocky precipice, lifting the material of his headwrap (still wool) so as to get a better glimpse of the beasts.

"Good," Klaos said irritably, "that's excellent. Go on and get their attention. Why don't you jump in circles and sing the anthem for good measure?"

"What are those?" Zho asked curiously, still nestled snugly in her corner, appearing perfectly content smashed between Pai and Kai Ying, "Grasps?"

"Lesser, I think," Pai put in as they all tried with varying degrees of effort to lean forward without making the entire group topple over.

"From experience alone," Kai Ying said with a grimace, "when there are that many of them, it doesn't really matter if they are Lesser or not."

With this cynical observation, they fell silent, save for occasional 'hmm's, to indicate to each other that they were trying to contribute to finding the solution, and the odd snapping of someone to get off of someone else's foot.

However, before long – and to the mild horror of Klaos, who made an unsuccessful but valiant attempt at grabbing her arm to pull her back – Pai extricated herself from the Panaku-Kai Ying sandwich (a fortunate position she wasn't altogether happy to relinquish) and stood facing five pairs of dubious eyes, each of which told her that it was clearly unwise to present oneself so invitingly to a cavern full of ravenous predators.

"This is silly," she said with a frown, "we're all being silly."

"How very true," Zho replied nervously, "would you like to come back into the pileup now? I've saved your spot."

"No. It's getting sweaty and disgusting in there."

With that comment, they quickly disengaged and re-established their respective personal bubbles, chastised but not quite enough so to dare venturing closer to the edge.

"There's an exit over there," Gai offered, and once again each was forced to wonder how he had deduced that so accurately, eyes covered with thick cloth and not having lifted it before he spoke.

"Right," Pai said, "but it's off to the side. Who's got a brilliant sense of direction?"

"It's southwest," Zho put in blandly.

"Paramount," Pai replied, as if she were trying her best to be cheerful, "that means it's _not_ the right way."

"That could be it," Klaos added, pointing to another egress at the other end of the cavern. "but it would require some… pushing past the innumerable hordes."

Pai assured him that that was perfectly fine, and the rest began to grow increasingly nervous at her optimism, each beginning to think that perhaps he or she had missed something vital and looking around at the assembly to make sure that the little pyromancer had them all equally bewildered.

However, all she did was turn around and regard the exit Klaos had indicated with a calculating squint. "Well… I suppose I'll just run really fast in the other direction, so you all can go through."

There was a mild, spluttering silence, spluttering courtesy of Klaos.

"What kind of a plan is that?" Kai Ying asked incredulously, "You're serious, are you? Really, Pai, there is very little hope of you outrunning them without using a lot of magic, and consequently, you won't be able to keep up your energy for _nearly_ that long – "

"Ying-san, don't tell me why it's a bad idea, because I'll probably realize you're right. I'm going to burst into flames now."

There was a certain pause.

"Come again?" Klaos asked.

True to her word, Pai did in fact burst into flames, causing her companions to jump back in surprise, and promptly turned to hurtle awkwardly down the hill, careening wildly and slipping around a few jutting rocks and beginning to scream out indecipherable noises as the entire cavern fell to staring in confusion.

Lost for words, all five gaped slack-jawed at her uncharacteristic stupidity – Klaos probably would have called it bravery; he did tend to regard the terms synonymously – but saw that although it was possibly the most inane action she would ever perpetuate, it was working… in the sense that no less than three hundred angry Grasps, Lesser or not, were currently chasing her blazing form through the alternate exit.

Trills and 'nyah-nyah's reverberated loudly until they finally disappeared amidst the chorus of growls and snarls and a few fulminating explosions.

When everyone glanced back at him, Kai Ying put up his hands defensively. "Don't look at me… I taught her the spell, not what to do with it."

With no further conversation, and a distressing lack of volunteers to courageously run after her to see after her health, the five remaining travelers traversed the cavern with little difficulty.

It should be noted that when Pai eventually rejoined the group, with quite a few more bruises, scratches, concussions, and rips in her thin armor (much to the silent rejoicing of all but Zho, who reinforced her opinion that all men were vulgar, and Gai, who unfortunately was not informed of the show and did not remove his headgear) than before, she formed the steadfast conclusion that even if her friends' lives depended solely on her decision, never again for as long as she lived would she try to tank.


	7. Assassins 101

In Which Klaos Blackadder Should Shut Up

"Do something!" Pai screamed over her shoulder.  
Had she bothered to look, she would find that Klaos had long since expired, his voice drowned out by the whizzing of arrows and fireballs and _Deus-quid-scit._

Klaos waited.

Eventually, a white light appeared. Klaos swam towards it, then felt himself spit out of the water, landing on –

"_Tiens, vous etes mouris encore?"_  
"Shut up. And stop speaking languages."  
"_Sed si claudebo meum os, non possum dicere lingos – cur dixis hunc?"_  
"Klaos! And what were you doing to help! You're an assassin! So far you've tried tanking and using necromancer skills! Use your head for once!"  
"What? Head-butt them? I mean, ... ."  
"Permission to speak granted," offered Panuku warily.  
"Yes, sah!" Klaos Blackadder stood to attention and saluted Panuku, to much laughter from all but the sergeant major himself.  
"Well, sah –"  
"Get on with it," growled the irritable assassin.  
"Erm, well y'see when I'm under pressure, I, erm, kind of, well, forget, erm, and, erm, well, it's like this, um, I uh..." Klaos looked around at the assembled raised eyebrows. "Well, I just use neccy skills, 'cosh that's what I do under pressure, um..."  
"Apart from speak in languages," interjected Pai.  
"Wait!" Screeched the unfortunate adventurer as the others began to wander once more towards the beach, "I think I have, um, an idea. Uh..." His voice trailed off again as the others turned back to him.  
"Do go on," drawled Vhang, "You know we love to hear your brilliant plans for mass extinction."  
"Well," began Klaos, feverishly working himself after having gotten past the trying first comment, "I'm already feeling kinda weakened, _scis_, after having died so much, so, I mean, if we're all too weak to fight and kill them like that, why don't we just, erm, tank them to death?"

There was a moment's silence as the stunned party members digested this new plan for, well, mass extinction.

Vhang was the first to speak, "Brilliant! You know, young fellow, I think you've really hit on something there! Wonderful idea! You just run along now and do a test run for us and we'll wait right here where we can't be got at and wait for you to tell us how it works out, hm?"  
Panuku's even more venomous tongue lashed out at the hapless youth, "And what have I taught you all these years? You're an assassin dammit! What does that tell you, eh?"  
"Well sir," began Klaos, his head bobbing as it did when speaking words that could later end him in a lot of blood and bits of bone if he wasn't careful, "You've taught me how to: cheat, swindle, trick, defraud, dupe, con, bamb**oo**zle," He emphasized the last syllable to much sniggering, "lie, fib, perj**ure**,", again to a chorus of giggling "steal, pinch, pilfer, rob, thieve, pocket, pu**rrrrr**loin," rolling his 'r's for effect, "sneak, slip, steal, skulk, creep, slither, _scram_ble," his voice flew upward on the last one, reaching somewhere near a high C sharp before ending back in his normal register, "erm, slay, kill, murder, eliminate, sn**uff** out", wrinkling up his nose, "oh, and retreat, recoil, withdraw, give ground, leave, _flee_" again whizzing up (to a high D sharp this time). "Erm, that's all I can remember, sir."

By now the party was in tears rolling about on the ground, all except for Panuku, whose face was red enough to fry an egg on - if you wanted to get that close.

Klaos made a hasty exit back towards the beach, figuring that not even the his brother Miki would want to get that close to Panuku and seeing as he was related to everyone in some way shape or form except for the few that cleaned out the latrines, they might as well protect him from harm.  
As Klaos ran down the hillside, the rest of the party, watching their chances of reprieve scramble away, quickly sobered up and were left facing a very angry Panuku who, at any moment, might decide to snuff them out instead of his former pupil.

_It isn't finished. In case you didn't notice. It's called a "cliffhanger"; you'll learn what they are in English class some day. Lurbe._


	8. Cauterization

_Trust Pixi to write this..._

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

**  
**

"That was obviously a disaster," Klaos remarked, reclining painfully against the pillar of an isolated shrine to Dwayna as Pai sat cross-legged next to him, chin in her hands as she idly fingered a bloody rip in her pants.

"Six thousand gold," she murmured, as if in a daze, and Klaos ignored her.

"Look, there's obviously a reason for it. It's not that we're not good, because we are. But two people can only do so much. I mean, yes, we did come very dangerously near to death. But we got surrounded, Pai. There had to be at least thirty of them."

"Six thousand gold."

Klaos gritted his teeth, trying to disregard the spurts of pain through his shoulders at every move.

"We've got to have better tactics. As in we have to stop using that strategy of me running up and getting knocked out, you firestorming till you drop from exhaustion, running away to recharge, coming back and barely finishing them all off, and spending the rest of your energy trying with your practically nonexistent muscle mass to drag me to a good camping spot to recover."

"Six thousand gold."

"Sensalis aren't intelligent. There're just a lot of them. If we spread them out and lured them all of in different directions, we might stand a fighting chance."

"Six thousand gold," came the faint, dogged reply.

Klaos lost his temper, reaching up despite the flare of stinging and smacking Pai upside the head, treated to a very satisfying yelp – and then, much to his displeasure, a similar assault that rang in his ears and send him reeling forwards with a small whine.

Both of them holding their heads in pain, he stared at her and grumbled at how she could be so physically weak and still be so proficient at slapping people.

"I wasn't really listening," she confessed forlornly, looking back down at the rip, "but I'm still in mourning. These pants cost me quite a lot."

"Oh really?" Klaos grunted, "Well, you know, bleeding out from many terminal wounds and ripping your clothes are practically the same, aren't they?"

Pai's doe-eyes magnified, as if she had either been hurt by his statement or had realized her mistake. Klaos felt a sudden wave of half-remorse and half-anxiety, and hoped dearly that she wasn't going to cry, for he always felt terrible when she did, even if he hadn't been the cause.

However, Pai appeared to have no such interest, for she punctuated her epiphany with a shrug. "I can't do anything about it. I'm not a doctor. Or a monk, for that matter."

"Well, it's a bit painful," Klaos offered irritably, "so either get a pine needle and test out your sewing skills or cauterize the hell out of me."

"I can't imagine that'll feel very good. Would you like to be knocked out first?"

"No. I think I'll develop some kind of mental impediment if I spend any more time unconscious."

The next moments were a mystery to Klaos, so sudden and excruciatingly painful were they, but to Pai, they were simply filled with a whole lot of fire, screeching death threats, and the unfortunate smell of charred flesh.

"I do hope Dwayna wasn't offended by that word," Pai said anxiously, settling back onto her calves and glancing up at the towering statue.

"Yes, well," Klaos managed to wheeze out, "I haven't seen her do so much as a miracle for me. I'm not fond of her."

"That makes the two of us," Pai replied, "Do you ever think that maybe we need a few more?"

Klaos waved his head about in a way that indicated that he was too tired or in pain to speak, and she translated it vaguely as 'no, I have not; explain yourself'.

"What I mean is," she obliged, "You've done well enough – well, maybe that's a bit of an – what I mean is – oh, never mind – with all this life-stealing business, and I've got my auras, but… I hear Sister Tai doesn't have much to do these days; I'm sure she'd like to come along. Perhaps we just need a real monk? And maybe a longbow… and an illusionist, and a spirit lord, and a fighter – a real fighter, I mean – "

"Unnghh," Klaos protested.

"Look, I'm just saying that _you_ need to stop taking all the hits, and _I _need to stop casting and casting till I'm dead on my feet. You know, an extra something-mancer or other would really take the load off – "

"Unnghh!" Klaos said, panicked, and winced dramatically. "… money!"

Patiently, Pai sighed. "Yes, Klaos, they would get a share. But sometimes money needs to take a backseat to staying alive."

"Hah!" he managed to enunciate, pointing an accusatory finger at Pai's fragile, ripped pants. Embarrassed, she turned her legs so it was no longer visible.

Finally, with another majestic groan, Klaos pushed himself up to a halfway sitting position, and looked glumly down towards his leg, where a wide tear in the blue material opened up into a gory stab wound that was still oozing in a way that made Pai want to deposit her breakfast in the nearest shrubbery.

"I think," he said huskily, "that we need to do it again. Don't!" he exclaimed as she moved from her spot as if to come forward, "You'll do that thing!"

"What?"

"The thing where you don't tell me you're going to do it, and then you do it anyway. Oh Lyssa, I hate that! At least you could give me some warning – it's better than just a whole damn boatload of pain when you least expect it. I mean, needles are small and painless and when you do that thing with needles, nobody ends up crying or shouting, but when it's that painful, then I want some warning, not that stupid 'surprise!' nonsense."

"Don't be silly, Klaos. That only works once."

An earsplitting howl ripped through the air, and soon deteriorated again into a smattering of violent death threats.

As it so happened, a pack of stealthy Sensalis in the nearby bushes glanced nervously amongst itself and left in a hurry, not wanting to be present when the skinny five-foot beast in purple, who could make the formidable dark-skinned assassin scream so loudly, noticed they were there.


	9. Standing Around

_We haven't had a disclaimer in a while, so let us remind you in tandem that we do not own anything. Not even a Lotus Staff or Takhayun's Pincers._

_(Lurbe seems to think it's funny posting my chapters while I'm on vacation. Unfortunately, I do not share that sentiment, so let me get this out of the way before he gets any ideas)_

The Futile Pursuits of Bored Henchmen

"Honestly, Zho, do you think there's any purpose whatsoever in standing here lined up with no greater purpose in mind than waiting for people to come hire us out?"

"Stop fidgeting; you're not allowed to move, remember? You'd better hope no one saw that."

"You didn't answer me. Plus, it's not as if the powers that be can kick me out; I don't even know why I'm playing by these nonsensical rules."

A moody silence prevailed, and Zho prepared to reenter the trancelike state on which she relied to keep her sanity through these hours of inaction. Hopefully it would be another smooth afternoon of standing around doing nothing but looking organized and ready – until Pai or Klaos came along; then they'd actually get to doing something productive – but for now, she was content to simply wait it out like she always did…

"This is ridiculous," Kai Ying complained, and she growled internally as his voice pierced her peaceful stupor once again. "I feel like a prostitute on a street corner."

"You're so difficult," Zho snapped, "why can't you be more like Sister Tai? Look at her – still as a statue, like a good henchwoman."

"She just yawned."

"Gods damn you, Ying. What did I tell you? Yawning and shuffling one's feet is perfectly all right, but only if it's a repeatable motion. The adventurers like that sort of thing. It makes them think we enjoy being their slaves."

"I don't follow you."

"Look, if Tai _were_ to do it again, she would have to repeat the motion congruously, without any discrepancies. The point is to look as robotic as possible so they don't feel bad about using us without paying us – _damn it! You moved!_"

"You just said it was all right."

"Yes, but only – gods above, I don't even know why I try… look, even Panaku's stopped moving around, and he's the most impatient person I know."

"His eyes are closed. I think he's asleep."

"On his feet? That's ridiculous."

"Let's find out. Panaku!"

Zho put two fingers to the bridge of her nose and groaned as Kai Ying cupped his hands around his mouth and began shouting at the other end of the line. She didn't need the sidelong glance from Professor Gai on her other side to know that they were making a scene, and let him know that he should mind his own business by giving him a curly-lipped sneer. He turned away quickly, and as she saw him very discreetly rolling his eyes heavenward and making a face, she nearly stepped out of the line to show him exactly why it was not wise to mock her.

However, the continuous yells came: "_Panaku!_ _Panaku!"_ and so mortified was Zho at even having a part in this embarrassing spectacle that she stood her ground and tried to look as small and expressionless as possible. Where on Melandru's green earth did the geomancer get all that energy?

Talon Silverwing, who stood uncomfortably on Panaku's other side, glanced around as the entire group tried its collective best to appear as if it did not know Kai Ying personally, and eventually extended a wing tentatively to give the assassin a ginger prod. When Panaku merely grunted and shifted his weight to one hip with a few lethargic and grumpy motions, giving no indications as to opening his eyes, Talon looked back and shrugged helplessly.

"By the gods, you're right," Zho conceded in amazement, "how is he managing that?"

As the ranger tried her best to get a better look at the phenomenon without moving her feet, she felt increasing waves of grandiose world-weariness emanating from her compatriot, and decided finally that if she stopped acknowledging him, he would stop being so squirmy.

"There's a pretty girl," Kai Ying said, "perhaps if I wave and bat my eyelashes, she'll take me home."

"Enough with the prostitute comments," Zho growled.

The 'pretty' one walked up to them – typical Mary Sue of a girl she was: purple hair streaked with silver or gold or some other inane color, much too little armor for the unkind streets of Cantha, unnecessarily perky and rosy-cheeked… Zho hoped she wouldn't last a minute.

To the ranger's mild surprise, it was the eternally-bored Kai Ying who eventually told the little tramp they were waiting for someone, and thus left himself, Zho, Panaku, and Gai to rot away on the assembly line while the others marched merrily away.

However, they were not doomed to stand around all night as well, for shortly after Panaku woke up to commend Kai Ying sarcastically on his expert handling of the hiring situation – to which he received a sneer – Zho noticed with relief that two very welcome figures were approaching.

"There's a prettier girl," the geomancer said with a smile as his student drew near, with an inappropriately friendly tone in Zho's opinion, much to Pai's blushing delight – and somewhat to Klaos's displeasure, she saw, as he completely ignored Panaku when he tried to engage his fellow assassin in conversation – and following this tetchy snag, they managed to sort out who would go in what order, who would lead and who would caster-hunt and who would just stay in the back and try not to get killed, and finally, where they would actually be going in the end.

To everyone's surprise, Zho was the first one to eagerly suggest a location, for although she did appreciate and dearly cherish her companions, there was simply no way in hell she was going to stand around in their presence for more than four hours each day.


	10. Plot Objects Pt1

_The Urn of Saint Viktor is a very silly concept indeed. _

_With love from Pix._

Plot Objects: Generally a Hassle

From the moment he walked through the doors of Cathedral zu Heltzer, Klaos made it known to everyone who would listen that when the barrier was brought down, he and only he would be the one carrying the Urn of Saint Viktor.

Immediately after the declaration, he became a minor celebrity among the group, of which at least two patted him on the back and complimented his courageous undertaking of such a difficult and perilous task. But although the rest were very curious (and congratulatory) as to the reason for his seeming influx of responsibility and trustworthiness, Pai knew him well enough to deduce that since Klaos liked things that were shiny and golden, and the Urn was certainly the shiniest and most golden thing in the entire cathedral, it was only natural for him to don that hungry, covetous gaze and begin wiggling his fingers longingly at it.

Pai told Danika so, but received only a quizzical glance and a query as to why she had so little confidence in her friend. In response, the pyromancer glared and resolved never to speak to her again.

Klaos was all for grabbing the Urn and running – 'to Hell with zu Heltzer' was how he'd put it, much to Panaku's joy at having him come out so well after all – but Pai of course insisted they clear out the cathedral before doing anything stupid and dangerous. Since everybody knew that Pai's word was law when the team of Klaos, assassin softie-at-heart, Kai Ying, protective instructor extraordinaire, and Lo Sha, number one fan of Pai's chest, was present, they ended up wasting an inordinate amount of time running about looking for things to kill before she would so much as let Klaos come near the altar.

After small scuffles with disgruntled leaf-men, tantrums at ruined outfits, and very many bloody noses, they deemed the cathedral empty enough to withstand whatever disaster might next befall it, and Klaos made a beeline for the Urn of Saint Viktor.

It was at that moment that Pai solidified her belief that this was where she was going to die, for all hell immediately broke loose, and everything was made much, much worse by the fact that Klaos could do very little other than stand there and keep his balance while the Urn tottered dangerously in his arms and commanded all of his attention.

"Call a target!" she shrieked as their party essentially disbanded, everyone running in a different direction and attacking a different creature, which, to no one's surprise, led to injuries much worse than a few bloody noses.

"Erm," Klaos said worriedly, trying to see over the top of the Urn, "how about that one? No wait! That one, over there, with the face that's falling off… is that Zho or Danika to your left? I can't tell…"

Pai glared in disbelief, wondering how having a can of ashes in his hands could possibly make it so hard for him to focus.

"_Vide,_" he said finally in frustration, "_Non sum pedes; non possum appellare hostebus si non pugno!"_

Pai caught the gist of it – something about soldiers, enemies and fighting, but then again, that was what Klaos usually said when he broke into languages – and decided that she would just have to do her best to take command. Biting her lip in thought, she squinted and sought out a lone creature and tried to remember how Klaos usually called their targets.

"Erm," she began, "how about we attack – "

"Stone guardian on Gai's left!" Zho screamed from across the room, and Pai noticed with mixed annoyance and relief that there was minimal confusion when everyone turned and began unloading on the same unfortunate beast.

However, this was a small triumph, and failed to impact the outcome of the battle, which was that they would all inevitably be slaughtered by the legions of stone pillars coming to life around them with each passing moment. Finally, so disturbing was it to watch Gai shriek and cling to Panaku in fear that Pai launched herself at Klaos and wrapped her arms around the Urn in an effort to take it from him.

The effect was miraculous. Klaos began to growl like a wounded animal, which prompted Pai to fight all the more fiercely to obtain the object.

"Pai, darling," he snarled, "_ne touches pas mon bloody urn!_"

"Don't be irrational," she snapped, making a worthy but wasted attempt to wrench the Urn from Klaos's grasp. "I can cast with my hands full."

"_You_ can barely carry that staff," Klaos retorted, showing no signs of giving up the object. "Go kill things!"

"Klaos," Pai growled, "you need to let go of the Urn, and go lead us into certain doom so we can teeter on the brink of death, get into a screaming match and nearly finish each other off, and miraculously emerge victorious at the end of a long and arduous fight!"

There was a scattered cheer of enthusiasm for this plan, which had gotten them out of so many predicaments in the past, and with a scowl Klaos reluctantly relinquished the glimmering golden Urn. Straightaway Pai sat down in the ankle-deep water after realizing just how right Klaos had been about her inability to carry heavy objects, cradling the vase in her lap and waving her arms around to continue casting.

Klaos went on to fulfill his niche quite admirably – after he led the charge straight into a waiting group of stone guardians, was knocked out, revived, and consequently yelled at by each member of the group in turn, they managed to clear the room by way of firestorms and palm strikes while nursing their sore energy reserves.

Needless to say, Pai flatly refused to give up the Urn when they were finally safe, and in fact threatened to char Klaos to an even darker brown should he try to take it from her.

* * *

_Before I say Part Two is on the way, I might as well clear it up:_

_Chaos, feel free to cameo Klaos and Pai whenever you want - although Lurbe has made it quite clear that bodily harm will be imminent if Klaos is not sufficiently sarcastic and in-character._

_He said it, not me. _


	11. At the Beach Reprise

_If it isn't made obvious through the title or anything like that, this is the sequel to At the Beach. –Lurbe_

In Which the Crimsons Are Shut Up  
(By None Other Than Klaos Blackadder)

Seventy-one seconds later the group was assembled on the beach, carefully arranged in a circle around the still fuming Panuku for maximum chance of survival should he blow a fuse again. Having agreed that they might as well give Klaos's idea a shot, if only to have lashing rights later when it didn't work out, they prepared to make their final death-defying run at the base camp.

Klaos finished casting Death Nova on Sister Tai, and the battle begun.

The group charged the bewildered Crimsons – the surprise nature of their assault carrying them unprepared deep into enemy territory and into hand-to-hand combat with elementalists and the like usually accustomed to dealing with foes quite a ways off.

"_JAO! OPPUGNATE! AUDITE TUBAM? VOCANTI SUMUS TUBA IN PROELIUM!"_

Panuku, following close behind the over-zealous youngster raised his arm instinctively in order to cut down he who threatened the safety of the entire group by proposing that they all tank. Unbeknownst to Klaos, he was saved from a rather disgraceful end by the appearance of a Crimson Skull assassin behind Panuku, who cut down the master with a quick blow, sending himself and several others in the vicinity on a one-way trip into wherever they went after death as Panuku exploded in a brilliant shade of greens, yellows, and bits of blood and bone.

Realizing too late that he had forgotten to draw his sword, Talon was struck helpless as several rangers turned him into a pincusion — but a pincusion with killer velocity. Talon's momentum carried him straight into the unfortunate archers even as he exploded, leaving his enemies injured and confused around him. Tripping over the body of his dead companion, Klaos managed to kill himself spectacularly by snapping his neck, sending the dumbfounded rangers to join their fellow Crimsons where the sun does not shine (at least not at night).

Others from the Nova'd party followed suit, and they soon found themselves all piled atop one another at the foot of the ressurection shrine a bit further up the mountain.

This was repeated a second time; One by one, the group exploded; killing 7 Crimsons and injuring roughly 7 or 8 more, including Jim, who tried stabbing his half-brother in the back only to have Klaos's Death Nova shower bits of ex-Jim over his remaining comrades.

As the sun was finally setting, the group prepared their last assault; having only died 13 times already but killing all save a few Crimsons.

At the approaching dusk, they finally came face to face with the core of the Crimson camp; Miki the Skull Spirit himself.

Emerging from his makeshift tent, Miki barely hesitated and began to cast spells as the group battled their way closer. Realizing the absurdity of his situation, Miki gave in and went full-out aiming to at least take out his treacherous half-brother with him. Sensing victory, Klaos made the ultimate beginner's mistake, and charged ahead, failing to notice that the rest of the party was recuperating out of range.

Klaos was easily dispatched.

The party remained out of range.

"_Quis existimatis fecire?_"  
Pai jumped up in surprise.

"Shut up. We're figuring out a strategy." "_Sed non egetis habere unam!_"  
"Yes we do. Otherwise we will die. Like you did."  
"_Donc, votre strategie est: attackez-le!_"  
"Why don't you stick to learning languages rather than pursuing a military career, eh?"  
"_Desole._"  
"Whoah! What can you see from there?"

There was no response.

"That worthless little —"  
"Yes, thank you, Panuku," said Gai sarcastically.  
"But it's his duty! That little —"  
"Thank you, Panuku."  
"The little —"  
"Panuku!"  
"And what do you know about it, eh? You're just like that little —"  
"Can you two shut up!"

Both Gai and Panuku stared guiltily at Pai.

"He started it."  
Pai didn't bother looking to see who offered this piece of self-preservation.

"_I! I!_"  
"You shut up, too, Klaos."

A very long, silent minute followed, with the hired hands all waiting in a circle to see if Pai would explode, or burst into flames, or do something really dramatic.

_Note: this continues to end in a cliffhanger._

_Editor's Note from Pix: I do apologize for Lurbe's rudeness. I'm sure you all know quite well what a cliffhanger is, and absolutely do not need to rely on your English teachers for such rudimentary things. Why not ask them about parallel syntax instead? _


	12. Plot Objects Pt2

_Behold the great Pix_, _assistant Master of All Things Silly._

_(Lurbe still holds the title. Three years tomorrow.)_

Plot Objects: Generally a Hassle  
(continued)

Pai decided as she walked awkwardly along a large corridor, flanked by Klaos, Danika, and many cautious instructors as she tried to carry a large golden urn with minimal arm strength, that Cathedral zu Heltzer was not half as bad as it was reputed to be. Of course the walls were decaying and the chandeliers had long since gone out, but if it were not infested with dredges and rot wallows – and falling apart, it seemed – she would not mind coming here every once in a while.

In fact, aside from the slight difficulties as to who would be the designated carrier of the Urn, the group encountered very little opposition in the cathedral – save for the odd bits of falling stone, which elicited an earsplitting shriek from the Urn-bearer but were prevented from squashing anyone by some timely tackles and opportune defensive wards.

However, like all good things, this was not to last – Danika had only just begun commenting on how quiet and lovely it was, just like the old days, when the walls began to fall apart, leaving in their wake an army of grumbling stone monsters.

Immediately, everyone began to scream – even Panaku, much to the distracted amusement of his companions – and there began the usual preparations in favor of not dying: gathering into a circle, casting wards, and preparing to be beaten within an inch of their lives.

It soon became apparent that all the flares and leaping mantis strikes in Cantha would not save them. If Pai didn't know any better, she would just as soon assume that the world's entire supply of rock had been delivered straight to the Cathedral, for she simply could not comprehend how the zu Heltzers could have managed or even _wanted_ to build quite so many gargoyles into their place of worship.

"_O Mi Di_!" Klaos began to shout as he tried to dodge snapping stone jaws, "_hostes_ _nos necabunt mox! Au secours! Egemus auxilium!"_

Terror shook his companions. He could display his worldliness all he wanted, but it was a well-known fact that when Klaos began to yell for help in tongues, there was very little hope.

"That's it then," Kai Ying said dejectedly as he very narrowly avoided a small barrage of spells and, "we're all going to die."

"No," Danika said suddenly, "no we're not! Oh, Dwayna, what was it about the Urn…"

Eager ears turned towards the monk, who had apparently chosen the wrong time to forget how to save their lives.

"What?" Pai prompted frantically, "What is it? What about the Urn?"

"Drop it!"

Silence ensued, and the fevered production of spells ceased as each person tried to think of what Danika could possibly have meant. The wardens surrounding them appeared to be taken aback by the party's sudden bout of stupidity, and were nice enough to stop shooting them with arrows while they convened.

"Drop it?" Panaku echoed in disbelief, "What do you mean, drop it?"

"Drop it or we _are_ going to die!" Danika shrieked.

Surprised by this loud declaration, which also appeared to jog the wardens back into action since they were the ones who were supposed to do the killing, Pai could still not comprehend the command. "Surely you're joking. The only thing dropping the Urn will do is break it. What would your father say?"

"Pai," Zho growled, an arrow sticking horizontally out of her back – which horrified Pai but sent Kai Ying and Panaku into sardonic giggles – "if you don't do what she says and drop the Melandru-damned Urn, I'm going to rip out your eyes, have them bronzed, and hang them on my belt as war trophies."

Any giggling within the group stopped immediately, and very hastily, Pai bent down and set the Urn on the floor.

Very little occurred as a result of this, other than a few noticeable sneers from the wardens.

"This can't be happening," Zho growled as she dodged another arrow, "Danika, if I could lift my arm, then trust me, you would be dead."

"Stupid!" the countess shrieked, "I said _drop it!_ You put it down nicely. Pick it up, and do it right this time!"

Pai was in no mood to be talked to this way, especially by a spoiled little brat of a princess like Danika, and so created a massive scene that very soon had everybody within a five-yard radius shouting at each other for no good reason, not including the wardens, who evidently thought it appropriate to take potshots at the feuding party from afar while they noisily sorted out their difficulties.

Klaos in particular saw no reason why his band should waste its time quarreling over the first things that came to mind, and since he did not especially want to spend his next few days dead before some kind monk came around and resurrected them all, he decided to take charge of the rapidly deteriorating situation.

He managed to duck under a volley of projectiles while muttering to himself in languages, noticed with some confusion that Lo Sha and Panaku were arguing about the specifics of Luxon cuisine – rich in squid and cuttlefish, apparently – and dove into the heart of the group, locating the gleam of the Urn and gathering it into his arms.

"_Votre attention, s'il vous plaites,"_ he announced, and after shaking himself out at the many quizzical glances that came his way, "roite. Hold still."

A new barrage of screams exploded from the eight travelers – very few of them affirmative. Pai and Zho were among those who fought most fiercely to wrest the Urn from his grasp, for in their opinion, at this point in the battle, anything other than tanking the wardens to death and experiencing a miraculous comeback was just asking for trouble.

In fact, Klaos was not at all planning on dropping the urn as Danika had instructed, but had intended only to make a run for it and shadowstep the entire group to a safer location. However, the violent intervention of Pai and Zho threw him utterly off balance, causing his hands to slip, and with a massive crash, the Urn of Saint Viktor fell to the ground and shattered into many glimmering pieces.

There was no time for anyone to get mad at anyone else, for even though Pai could feel a livid speech writing itself in her head, and was eager to either deliver it or hit Zho very hard on the head for interfering, she had barely moved a step before blue light exploded in a large dome around them. She began to flail and yell, but before she could get worked up enough to make contact and injure her companions, the light dissipated, and there was the Urn again, sitting where it had fallen and, strangely, not in pieces.

Confusion and anger ensued – directed mostly at Danika, who was stubbornly insisting while warding off blows that it had worked, and that they would be very sorry indeed if they murdered her and ended up executed by her father. However, in the midst of the turmoil, Klaos was the first one to notice that he was curiously unharmed by the rain of arrows ricocheting off of his skin, and experienced a rare moment of joy at the bewildered expressions of the wardens surrounding them.

"JAO!" he bellowed as he broke free from the group, proceeding to dice the nearest group into thin ribbons without the slightest concern for his own safety, which for once was quite appropriate seeing as nothing the wardens were doing in protest seemed to have the slightest effect.

It took his comrades a while to comprehend, realize, and finally accept begrudgingly that they had become suddenly invulnerable, but it caught on fairly quickly, and what followed was a bloodbath much too gruesome for words.


	13. Henches: Part 1

_Lurbe here. I'm not sorry for not posting, so I don't need to ask for forgiveness or say I'm sorry for being delayed, when it is fictional and just a popularity scheme. And I don't need to add "we" because it is my turn to post and therefore the responsibility falls on me, not on Pixi. We both wanted this work to come in just two parts (Klaos and Pai), but alas time grew short and we had not finished our respective sections. We also wanted to increase suspense and _**reader requests**_ concerning about what we should write (that was uncharacteristically subtle of me). _We need your input; regardless of how much we like it, although so far we haven't been disappointed by our readers. _Therefore, I sign off, leaving you all with the disappointment of not reading a complete work and having to wait ages for the sequel and with the suggestion of one of you duffers leaving critical (here meaning "criticizing", not "of great importance") comments._

Close Encounters Of the Hench Kind  
Part I: Klaos Blackadder Goes to the Big (and Dirty, and Corrupt) City

"Hmph." Klaos snorted as Pai led him along the road that led to the entrance. All around them they were besieged by offers from various other adventurers. Pai carefully sorted through the ranks, searching for someone willing to venture out _pro bono._  
" Kai Ying! What're you doing here?" Pai's voice rose excitedly as she recognized her former instructor.  
"Oh! Hello again, Pai! It's good to see you too, um... I'm just... traveling?"  
Klaos rolled his eyes and kicked up some dirt with his toe.  
"For hire?" Asked Pai incredulously.  
"Well, you know... I mean..." His voice trailed off.  
"What about your students? I mean, who's teaching them? What's -"

Kai Ying smiled grimly.

"You don't -" Pai's voice stuck in her throat.  
Before Kai Ying could answer, a voice behind them made the group turn around.

"Hey gorgeous," drawled Panuku, "What're you doing with an old earth-bag like him? Come on sweets, let's go adventuring. We don't need him." The sly assassin shot a nasty glance at Kai Ying as he draped his arm lovingly around Pai's shoulders, drawing her closer to him.

"Hey!" Klaos came up beside his own former 'instructor'. "What do you think you're up to, huh? Leave her be, eh?" Klaos gave Panuku a slight shove, as if to enforce his position. For Klaos, this was a stretch: most of the time, he was scared silly of the older assassin.

Sensing this weakness, Panuku fired back, "Oh, really? And what are you gonna do about it? Cry? You worm. You're not good enough for this ravishing babe; why don't you go practice on the newbie healers?" He gave Pai a squeeze, causing her to yelp with surprise.

Rather than back off, Klaos, _deus-scit-cur_, drew his daggers, and held them out at Panuku.

"You know the rules: she's still underage. You're not allowed to...you know... with students! It's against the rules!"

Pushing away the sneering Panuku, Pai lunged at Klaos, slapping him hard.

"Klaos! _Claude tuum os_! Leave it, ok? I know what I'm doing; I'm not stupid. You can't just get jealous when a guy comes up and **talks** to me. We need help; ok? We're not going to get anywhere if you keep alienating everyone that we can get to come with us! Just go away, ok? I can look after myself, thank you very much."

Stunned by the rejection, Klaos slumped away. Seating himself on a rock around the corner, he waited for the world to turn around him.

"Well, hey! You're a cutie! You doing one of those quests or what?"  
"Shut up Tai; you healers piss me off."  
"You're just being grumpy." Tai giggled annoyingly. "Hey, girls, come see what I found!"

"Shove off," growled Klaos, half-heartedly, prompting another spurt of giggles from the healer.   
"You're so silly!" Tai sat herself down on Klaos's lap, causing him to jump up, throwing her to the ground and stalking away.

He didn't get far before Taya, the other light-headed healer, lunged out and grabbed at his shirt, cutting herself painfully on his sharp armor.  
"Get lost, _puella. _This is my territory." Turning away from the stunned Tai, Taya focused her attention once again on the helpless assassin. "So," she murmured, slipping up closer, "Want to go adventuring; I know a good quest. Really good. Whadda ya say, huh?"  
"No! _Mi Di! _C'mon, _laissez-moi tranquille_, eh? Just leave me alone! Huh?" Klaos turned and ran around a street corner. Too busy looking back at the disgusted Taya, he didn't even notice that there was already someone occupying the overall area he was trying to run through. Klaos tumbled heavily, landing on a pile of filthy rags. Turning, he recognized –

"Professor? What're you doi - "Peering through the gloom, Klaos suddenly recognized the glowing object that Gai held.  
"A **mushroom**?"  
Gai turned his blank stare towards Klaos. "H-h-h-ey, son-n-n-ey-y: w-w-wou -" Klaos didn't stay long enough to finish hearing Gai's proposition.

Tiptoe-ing out of the alleyway, Klaos reached a dingy building. It was grimy and looked as though years of being pelted with _Deus-scit-quid_ had not been helped by a failure to wash the ancient structure. Quickly weighing his chances of walking into an expensive restaurant versus a shady tattoo parlor, Klaos decided that he didn't care that much and went in.

It was a pub.

Feeling very self-conscious, the small assassin slowly made his way up to the front, only to find that they carded. Someone said something Klaos couldn't make out, and he turned his already reddened face to find Talon Silverwing leering at him before he turned around to announce to the whole room of semi-drunk professionals, "Ggggueshh wh ddnng hhhabb hhib uuaaaeeiii deeu." He then turned to the assassin in question, whose reddened face reflected nicely off his polished jumpsuit. "Shubbb eff. Ywwwe tt yying tt bbbu hurr."

The bartender, sensing an opportunity to gain money and popularity, offered, "Naw, let's give 'im a shot. 'E's got to larn 't at some time." The assembled crowd, which seemed to be growing as news of the newbie spread, all quieted and leaned in eagerly as the bartender poured the unfortunate what appeared to be a small glass of rice wine.

Klaos, whose original intention it had been to ask for directions to the nearest youth hostel, now found himself the focal point of a room of mostly drunk, aggressive fighters who easily got bored of being hired for little to no cost for going out and helping some newbie kill mantids and pretending to be really weak and stupid so as not to intimidate them and get another sexual-assault charge from the female elementalists. He stared at the glass of the liquid of an indeterminable colour and gulped audibly. If he'd had an Adam's apple, it would have bobbed here. When shrinking into the background didn't work, Klaos silently (and quickly) went over his options, cursing himself for not having taken the time to learn the Shadow Arts. At the absence of other options, Klaos shut his eyes tight, scrunched up his face, and took a small sip.


	14. Forming a Party: Part 1

_Lurbe and I will clash slightly on our views of how we met our loyal henchies. Nevertheless, we pick up from "Cauterization" (go back and read it if you really don't remember)._**  
**

How Klaos and Pai Failed at Gathering a Party  
(Part One of Pix's Henchie Series)

To the mild shock of the merchants and craftspeople scattered about the harbor-town, the two people who limped pathetically through the gates from Jaya Bluffs – the dark one practically carrying the other, who looked as if she were about to faint, on his shoulder while he himself seemed to be suffering from a great number of open wounds – did not stop for aid at the monk station, nor did they retreat to the inn for what looked like some much needed relaxation.

Instead, the girl in purple was rather carelessly deposited into a clump of chairs surrounding a table that had been put out because it was hot outside, and Seitung was not prided for its superior circulation of air. The traffic around them made certain to cut them a wide berth when treated to the overwhelming stench of blood, Sensali intestines, and, for some strange reason, burning flesh.

It was a while before either of them spoke. When they did, whatever they said was unintelligible to passersby – the dark one because he was speaking another language, and the one in purple because she simply could not be bothered to form actual words.

"Klaos," the girl finally began, making a lackluster attempt at waving the unpleasant perfume from her armor, "I'm tired of getting beaten within an inch of my life every time we run into some Crimson Skull."

Klaos said something that sounded vaguely like "_Mea etiam_." Pai groaned in response, not looking forward to expending the energy to decipher things quite so late in the afternoon.

"I know you said no to that whole idea about getting someone else to come with us. But I really think we should consider it… I mean, Lukas might be an ass and a blithering idiot, but you have to admit, he _would_ make a perfectly grand meat shield."

As Klaos gave her a dubious stare, she continued earnestly. "And – and what about Aeson? Sure, he's blind as a bat. But I'm sure he's got a wonderful personality. And I know you hate Taya because of that incident with the chicken feet in the mess hall, but you two can get over it, right?"

"_Nous n'avons pas besoin d'un plus grande equipe des personnes," _Klaos said flatly,_ "parce qu'ils toujours nous mettront a mort quoi qu'il en soit!"_

"Klaos, please speak the language. I'm not in the mood right now."

The assassin scowled and didn't comply, and Pai gave a world-weary sigh. "You know, it wouldn't be entirely unwelcome to swallow our pride once in a while. You must get tired of this running-away thing sometime."

Klaos decided to pursue another course of protest.

"_Si nous enrôlons plus des personnes_," he reasoned, "_nous devrons les payer_."

"Well, of course we'll have to pay them. But frankly, don't you think the reward for actually completing a task once in a while might outweigh the cost of paying some traveling companions? Come now. We went through this already."

"_Peut-être_," Klaos conceded moodily, and as he rubbed his eyes, "Maybe."

He turned one more suspicious glare to Pai. "But we are _not_ inviting Taya _or_ Lukas _or _Aeson. Or Mai. Or what's-his-name. That bloke who's always having a fit of glee or summat. Yuun."

Exasperatedly, Pai began to claw at her eyes. "Klaos! They're the only other students who are even here in Seitung!"

"_Non illos amo,_" Klaos persisted, "_et je sais que tu ne les aimes pas aussi."_

"No. You're right. I hate them too." Pai pondered for a moment. "What about Kisai? You don't hate her, right?"

"_Vere_," Klaos deigned, "_elle n'est pas trop terrible."_

"Good! Then she can come along. I'll go get her now!"

Pai tried in her over-enthusiasm to get up, and realized too late that her legs were still not working properly. Klaos spared her a bemused glance as she toppled from the chair to the floor with a yelp, weighed her chances of getting back into the chair without further injury, and consequently decided to remain on the ground until the sensation returned to her calves.

"Erm… maybe later, then."

Klaos appeared not to care very much. He shrugged, leaned back, and fell asleep.


	15. Zho is Cheated out of Her Black Moa

_Just in case you don't remember, Klaos and Pai have just decided to take along_ _Kisai, the useless aero hench, so they don't get their asses kicked quite so often._

Zho is Cheated Out of Her Black Moa  
(Part Two of Pix's Henchie Series)

"If I weren't feeling so charitable today," Klaos said, "I'd tell you 'I told you so'."

Pai glared up at him from her seat on the ground behind the large boulder they were both hiding behind, and nursed the large bruise on her arm. "Shut up. You're the one who refused to bring along a proper monk. Now we're right back where we started."

"_I_ didn't know that airheaded aeromancer was going to die so quickly. You're the one who was in her classes, eh? You shoulda known she was a _damnée _weakling."

"It's not my fault, it's yours! _You_ wouldn't have let us bring anyone else even if she _were_ a weakling!"

"Well, _tu n'auras pas permise a nous les apporter aussi! Honnêtement, Pai, ne me blames pas._"

"I'm not blaming you!"

Klaos gave her an odd look. "Jea you are. You just said it was my fault. You don't remember?"

"No I don't!" she screeched, and Klaos was about to remark that perhaps she should see a monk about that short-term memory loss before he was rudely interrupted by an anguished cry over the crest of the adjacent hill, somewhere between angry terror, apoplectic disbelief, and tortured joy – not that he heard such things often enough to identify them. Usually one stopped at 'happy' or 'sad' and left it at that.

"Did that voice sound masculine or feminine to you?" Klaos inquired.

"I don't know. You're the expert on genders."

"_Idiote stupide_. Come on."

For fear of being left behind and slaughtered by a passing Sensali, Pai very quickly got up and hobbled after Klaos as he sprinted up the hill. Standing on its crest, they quickly located the edge of a large forest looming below them, as well as two figures approaching it from opposite directions.

"Isn't that Instructor Zho?" Pai inquired, squinting at the tiny figure on the left, which had just disappeared into the thicket.

"Jea. And that's a Yeti."

"Where!" Pai shrieked. In her indecision she located the lumbering beast and launched a fireball at it, apparently without first consulting her common sense. The small projectile exploded on the Yeti's fur and promptly ignited it, eliciting a loud roar and causing it to start running in haphazard directions.

"_Diable!_" Klaos yelled, hitting her in the back of the head, "What's wrong with you?"

"Ouch! I don't know! Look, you know I can't control myself when I get scared. And look, it's not even chasing us… where's it going?"

"_Nescio_. But we should probably warn Zho before she gets herself killed."

With this they hurried – or tumbled, more aptly – down the hill and threw themselves into the thick bamboo forest, hoping desperately not to catch some mysterious insect-borne disease or bean themselves on tree trunks.

It had barely been a few minutes when Klaos had to skid to an abrupt halt, causing Pai to slam into his back.

"Instructor Zho?" he asked, puzzled, intending to get as much questioning done before Pai figured out what had happened and set him on fire.

The small ranger was crouched on the forest floor, peering hungrily through two parted bamboo shoots and apparently not meaning to leave the spot for another hour or so.

"What are you looking at?" Klaos continued, and was quickly shushed by Pai.

"Be quiet," she admonished, "that thing might hear us. And I can't fight in this kind of place, or I'll cook us all; if it finds us then we… is that a Black Moa?"

"At last," Zho breathed, "at long last. I've found it! The beast that haunts my nightmares, that ferocious masterpiece of creation, Melandru's _magnum opus!_"

Pai and Klaos exchanged fretful glances and peered through the thicket to catch a better glimpse of this so-called ferocious masterpiece. Both were surprisingly underwhelmed, as the creature hailed by so many as a devious and cunning abomination seemed only slightly more remarkable than an ordinary moa bird, and didn't at all strike Pai as the kind of beast that might tear them to shreds should they approach it.

A rustle and a faraway bellow made them both jump.

"Instructor, we really should be going," Pai whispered, prodding Zho in the shoulder.

"You must be joking," the green-clad ranger hissed, "look at it; look at that perfect beast! Wild, fearsome, elegant, and – and mine! It's mine, I say! Let go of me!"

"There must be others," Klaos said, "however, there's only one of you, and I'm fairly certain your students won't be happy if you lose the other eye in a fight. Doesn't a person need at least one to shoot straight?"

"Be quiet! You'll scare it away."

"By Balthazar, Zho," Pai put in with a frown, "if that thing's nearly as dangerous as you said it would be, then it won't be scared away by a couple of travelers. Plus, what we came to tell you was that there's a Yeti."

"What?"

"A Yeti," Klaos echoed, "it started rampaging after Pai thought it would be funny to hit it with a fireball. We really should get out of the way, or at least try to kill it, before it gets here."

Zho appeared either to have ignored him or not heard him at all, and continued to gaze intently through the leaves at her prey, which was currently standing on one leg with its eyes closed.

"Instructor," Pai repeated, tugging on the ranger's sleeve, "don't be difficult. I – Instructor? Klaos, she's not listening. Pick her up and let's go."

With a sigh, Klaos prepared to exercise his entire body mass to drag Zho away, and tried his best to remove himself from the imminent biting, kicking, and possibly sharp, short-range projectiles. With very little warning, he did in fact pick her up, much to the ranger's chagrin and displeasure.

"No! No! No!" she screamed, and Pai winced, looking at the black bird to see if it was charging yet.

It wasn't – the Black Moa simply lifted a drowsy eyelid, and, after a long and calculating stare, closed it again, ruffled itself, and went promptly back to sleep.

"Sorry for this, Zho," Klaos said over the increasing volume of rustling leaves and pounding footfalls, and slung the screaming ranger over his shoulder as he and Pai sprinted for the bead of light through the trees.

As the noises grew softer and softer, a frighteningly loud squawk and a terrified moan sounded from behind, followed soon afterwards by what sounded disturbingly like a sharp beak ripping through flesh.

Procedentor...  
(or, in your language)  
To be continued...

_Moas are actually quite sweet. Had Lurbe and I not approached it menacingly and started hitting it with sharp objects, I have no doubt that it would have gone on with its life and left us with ours. _


	16. The Gods Must Be Angry: Part I Lag

_Lurbe. We're not posting to keep our ratings up you know. I just need to clear off my desktop. _

The Gods Must Be Crazy  
Part I - Lag

_(The first in a short series.) _

"Come on, you duffer! _I! I!_"

Klaos stopped, sighed, and turned around. Pai was still behind him, making jerky motions with her leg, but not moving at all.

"_Move tuum assinum _already!

Klaos went back, intending to grab Pai and drag her along, while grumbling loudly to himself.

As he reached out to grab her, Pai vanished, reappearing someway away.

A thunderclap sounded, and Klaos thought – _thought_ – that he heard some voice whispering "Sau-Rie-Lag". It seemed totally foreign, and completely improbable that the gods would speak to him, so he ignored it.

The world froze. Klaos moved his leg, and didn't go anywhere. A lot of things went through Klaos's head, namely, "_Omidi! Omidi! Iram deum effeci. Omidi!_"

Suddenly, the world blurred. Klaos blinked, and watched as Pai and the henches, in slow motion, fought their way through Nagas, Crimsons, and an Oni before joining him at the beach.

"What happened there?" asked Klaos, backing up as an infuriated Pai stormed upon him. "_Illigitii! Quid pensis fecisse?_"

Klaos shriveled up as Pai continued, covering the cowering assassin in spit.

"We were standing there figuring out what we were supposed to do, and all of a sudden you go and rush off to the beach, aggro-ing all those Nagas, Crimsons, **and** the Oni!"

Klaos put up his hands reflexively. He opened his mouth to defend himself, but stopped when he heard a chuckle from somewhere. Pai whipped around to glare at the henches.

Klaos never forgot the look on her face when she turned back. She opened her mouth, and the next thing Klaos knew, he was drenched in blood staring at Pai's corpse as it slowly fell down on top of the slaughtered henches.

From behind the expired elementalist, an Oni stared back at him.

"_Nngh?"_

Klaos stared.

"_Gnnngh."_

Klaos stared.

"_Grrrrrnngh!"_

Klaos kept staring.

"_Gnrrrgssh!!"_

As the Oni lunged forward, the spell was broken.

"You ------- -----! You ------ ------ my ------ wife! _Nece! infima bestiae! Tu -----it meus ------us ----- o ----! ------a ---------aque!" _

The Oni didn't have time to translate the "-----"s. In a second, the enraged assassin was all over him. Ducking over and weaving under. Slashing here, stabbing there. Cursing all around. After what seemed like ages to the unfortunate Oni, it succumbed to Klaos. Unfortunately, nobody (including Klaos) noticed, and so, to this day, Klaos has never been known to successfully kill anything that began with more than one hitpoint and wasn't tethered to a tree. _That's called irony, and you will learn about it when you study Shakespeare._

From somewhere both far and close, Klaos could swear he heard someone laughing. He did swear, almost, but not entirely missing the next sound he heard. It went "Lie-Roy- Gan-Kens".

Klaos jumped as another voice spoke, this time right in his ear, "Are you gonna rez us or just stand there and look like an idiot?"

Klaos racked his brains, but couldn't remember what to do to rez the party.

"Pai?"  
"**What**." Came the snarled response.  
"Was that you?"  
"Was that me, **what**?"  
"Speaking."  
"**What?**"  
"You know, when you whispered back there."  
"What? About rezing us?"  
"No, no. Before that."  
"**What?**"  
"I guess that's a 'no'."  
"**What** are you doing you idiot?"  
"I heard something."  
"**What?**"  
"I'll go die now." Volunteered Klaos.


	17. The Gods Must Be Angry: Part II Chat

What Did You Just Say?

P W N D: Dance party! Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more Pai Plumei: It's really crowded here! Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details Stoned Mouse: So I was rereading lotr the other day,  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Klaos Blackadder: I know.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Pai Plumei: What?  
Stoned Mouse: and I realized that tolkein really copies from tolkein.  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Thunder D: w3rd, so we were analysing hemmingway in english yesterday  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Klaos Blackadder: Dixi, scio!  
The Perfect Wammo: what's with all the low level henches?  
_O M G Pwnd By Henchmen (HaHa) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes and keeps the favor of the gods for Europe._  
Zeus Chips: of course he does.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Pai Plumei: Video.  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: thawwy I meant virgil and homer  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Klaos Blackadder: Ubi imus?  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
One Three Three Plus: 7#15 24(3 15 ( 1\9 (?0\/\/)3) \/\/1+- \0085  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Pai Plumei: Debeo fixere inv  
Zeus Chips: well, duh  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Q U I Z E R: eew  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Klaos Blackadder: Fixere?  
One Three Three Plus: 93+ 4\/\/4'?0/\/\ ''3 \008  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
_El Three Three Tee (lEEt) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes and keeps the favor of the gods for Europe._  
Stoned Mouse: like theodin and hama  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Pai Plumei: Scis quis dicere.  
P W N D: Dance party!  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Thunder D: and talking about the white and black and stuff  
Zeus Chips: how so?  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Klaos Blackadder: Habesne 50 gp?  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Stoned Mouse: well, aged king seeing beloved son die before the walls  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Thunder D: and so it occurred to me  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Pai Plumei: Non tibi.  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Zeus Chips: but hama isn't his son  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Klaos Blackadder: tu filia poetae  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Q U I Z E R: yea?  
Pai Plumei: Hey!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: it's close  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
_Related Asian Population (RAP) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes, to take the favor of the gods away from Europe, Korea must win 17 more times._  
P W N D: Dance party!  
Chaos Cordeux: ALL GONE THE PUDDING WITH THE YELL-  
Thunder D: if paper is white  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Zeus Chips: but theodin dies gloriously  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Klaos Blackadder: dudette, there some crazy chaos person out there  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Thunder D: then that makes it good and pure and innocent and natural,  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Pai Plumei: oh, all the lions arch transfers are that way.  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Stoned Mouse: yea, I'm kinda mad tolkein didn't preserve that bit  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Pai Plumei: they aren't used to the climate  
Thunder D: right?  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
Stoned Mouse: but they do come from the aeneid  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
P W N D: Female eles are hot.  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Chaos Cordeux: Help! She's got me!  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details _  
I Found A Pet (Cynn) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes, to take the favor of the gods away from Europe, America must win 2 more times._  
Stoned Mouse: and so does wormtongue sorta  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Q U I Z E R: i guess  
Klaos Blackadder: do they begin sane?  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Pai Plumei: yea. that's why they have a sanitarium  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Zeus Chips: who was wormtongue  
Thunder D: and if writing is black and smudges  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: sinon  
Klaos Blackadder: What?  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Zeus Chips: not really  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
P W N D: Dance party!  
Thunder D: then its corrupt, unnatural, and destroying the white pure, innocence of the paper  
Pai Plumei: the general thinks that if they see insane people  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: ish  
Chaos Cordeux: Where is she? I need to hide!  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Q U I Z E R: ha!  
Pai Plumei: they will avoid becoming like that  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Zeus Chips: I guess  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Thunder D: so why do we write essays then?  
Klaos Blackadder: does it work?  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
P W N D: Dance party!  
Zeus Chips: whats frodo then  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
_Are You Reading (This) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes, to take the favor of the gods away from Europe, America must win 1 more times._  
Pai Plumei: no.  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Q U I Z E R: lol  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Zeus Chips: aeneas?  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Klaos Blackadder: Parates?  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape  
strong alliance whisper for more  
Pai Plumei: Tene suos equos.  
Stoned Mouse: um... I dont think so  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Klaos Blackadder: Imus nunc?  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Q U I Z E R: but the windows have black bars  
Stoned Mouse: I thought that would be aragorn  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Pai Plumei: Non!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
Chaos Cordeux: Oh my god! I can hear her coming!  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: you know,  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
Q U I Z E R: and the walls are off-white  
Klaos Blackadder: what is he going on about?  
_Bayern Munchen (FC) has won the battle for the Hall of Heroes and keeps the favor of the gods for Europe._  
Stoned Mouse: prophesied hero goes on to found kingdom with woman he loves  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Thunder D: lawl. school is so corrupt  
Erialis : Mesmers FTW!  
Pai Plumei: probably cynn. I heard she's a b to the new recruits these days.  
Noob Monk: LFG Naga Source  
P W N D: Dance party!  
Zeus Chips: yea but then every hero comes from aeneas  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Stoned Mouse: they do  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Klaos Blackadder: I think some people are just weird.  
Q U I Z E R: w3rd  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Zeus Chips: I guess  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?  
-(Jimmy X)- Hey You wanna join a guild?

As they waited in line for the person ahead of them to finish his transaction, Pai saw Klaos suddenly slap his ear.

God Told Me: can someone lend me 50 gp  
Pai Plumei: What was that?  
Sexe Ele: can i have 50 gp for storage? plz i can give it back.  
Jimmy X: Infinite X guild recruiting luxon alliance have cape and hall pm for details  
Lol You Just Got: guild recruiting active members kurzick ab/gvg have hall and cape strong alliance whisper for more  
Klaos Blackadder: I think I'm hearing things again.  
Electron Volt: How do you play this game?

Klaos looked up and realized that Pai had steered him out to the plateau outside of the Monastery. All was quiet except for the gentle swishing of grass, the soft breathing of the Animal Trainer, the chirps of Mantids, the screams of Pai -

Klaos lept into action. Running down the hill he tripped and flew over the stony cliff, landing squarely on a Mantid that had been attacking Pai.

-(Jimmy X)- Well?  
Klaos Blackadder: AAAAAH!  
Pai Plumei: what?  
Klaos Blackadder: I'm hearing voices!  
Pai Plumei: where?  
Klaos Blackadder: here, in my ear!

He muttered back over his shoulder

- / -(Jimmy X)- Sure.-(Jimmy X)- Cool! Just accept the invitation!  
-/ -(Jimmy X)- the what?  
-(Jimmy X)- click "g"  
Pai Plumei: Klaos, yer muttering to yerself  
-/ -(Pai Plumei)- No I'm not!  
Pai Plumei: Waugh!  
Pai Plumei: How did you do that?  
-/ -(Pai Plumei)- Not sure...  
-(Pai Plumei)- Like this?  
-/ -(Pai Plumei)- Yea!  
-(Pai Plumei)- Cool  
-/ -(Pai Plumei)- Hey, wanna join this guild?  
-/ -(Jimmy X)- Hey, ask my friend!  
-(Jimmy X)- Sure, what's his name?  
-/ -(Jimmy X)- Pai Plumei. he's a "she"  
-/ -(Jimmy X)- i mean, it's a "she"  
-/ -(Jimmy X)- or, SHE's a "she"  
-(Jimmy X)- dude, i got it...

A voice boomed out from somewhere. Klaos cowered instinctively.

Jimmy X: everyone say hi to our new members  
Grimm Reaper X: hi  
Pai Plumei: hi  
Klaos Blackadder: yo  
Jimmy X: where's the rest?  
Grimm Reaper X: probably don't have the guild chat on  
Klaos Blackadder: the what?  
Grimm Reaper X: O man, not noobs again!  
Pai Plumei: Hey!  
Grimm Reaper X: It's a guild cape feature. we put speaking spells on them.  
Jimmy X: so you can talk to or hear people in the guild  
Jimmy X: or the alliance  
Grimm Reaper X: you can just turn it off if you dont want to use it.  
Grimm Reaper X: You should be able to figure out how  
Pai Plumei: I don't think Klaos is that smart..._  
_

_Lurbe. Forgive the absence of brackets, square brackets, vertical lines, arrows, and so forth. Also pardon if we __ (and by that I mean "I") __put your name in as somebody making a great philosophical discovery, or something; We (I) didn't mean to cause you to feel so smart. (And if you read the whole thing, we (I) apologize for making you read about that 50 gp over and over, but we (I) felt that it seemed appropriate to the situation.) _

* * *

_In editing this now, we (I) realize that FanFiction has added a spell-check feature: please take full advantage of this in your own creations._


	18. Kai Ying Nearly Falls off a Cliff

_Pix speaking. Some oddities with the document-uploading system have prevented this installment from looking pretty. Perhaps it's my computer, but work with me here and pretend it looks as nice as all the other ones. Gratias tibi, amici mei._

_(Sorry Lurbe. Can't have them thinking you're the only one who can speak in tongues.)_

Kai Ying Nearly Falls off a Cliff  
(Part Two of Pix's Henchie Series)

"Hard to believe he's supposed to be your role model, or summat," Klaos said. "Maybe just _mon avis,_ my humble opinion, _sed_ I wouldn't goad a Yeti like that even if I had… eh, _quo modo dicet? Auxilium_."

"Aid," Pai offered helpfully, "would be the word you're looking for."

"Jea. Which he doesn't have."

A couple of wounded Yeti's bellows sounded from a number of kilometres away, and Pai jumped a little, annoying Klaos, whom she nearly managed to knock off the hill.

"I hope he'll be all right," Pai fretted, appearing conflicted about watching her teacher fight from afar, "thank Balthazar he's not a hydro, though. Or worse, an aeromancer; you simply can't take them _anywhere_ – "

Klaos frowned. "One of your friends, she's an aero, eh?"

"Did I say she was a good one? No, I didn't. Listen when I speak."

Klaos began to sourly mutter something about PMS.

A number of yards away, stalagmites burst from the ground under the Yeti's feet, spearing bloody wounds in its legs and stomach and making the groaning beast sway dangerously. Its enormous white fist descended, and although Pai's geomancer instructor had to perform a comical lunge to clear its path, two more jagged points exploded from the end of his staff, tearing into skin and spilling blackish blood in torrents.

"Oh, come **on**," Kai Ying complained when the Yeti rose once again, although Pai could see very plainly that the longer the beast stayed alive, the more he was enjoying himself.

"Klaos," Pai said worriedly, prodding the assassin in the shoulder, "let's go help him. He is my teacher, after all; I wouldn't like them to say I didn't at least make an effort…"

Various expletives of a goading nature floated over to their lookout as Kai Ying backed away, apparently gathering the energy to release another barrage of spells. His insults carried on unhampered, rising in volume and acridity with confidence as the Yeti appeared to teeter. "Foul creature! Thin-skinned lummox! Can't even stay on your two feet without toppling over; all I did was nick you - "

And then suddenly, with a surprised yelp, he disappeared over the crest of the precipice that had been sneaking up behind him the entire time.

Pai blinked in astonishment before registering that her teacher had just fallen over a cliff, and consequently shrieked so loudly that Klaos had to hold his ears in pain.

Unfortunately, this entailed the Yeti suddenly and blearily noticing that they were there – although as soon as it advanced two steps towards the quickly approaching duo, its knees buckled and it fell over, laying still long enough for Pai to hurdle it with Klaos in tow.

"Instructor!" she screeched. Klaos could not help but be amused at the way her arms flailed when she ran, but quickly composed himself when he remembered that laughing in the face of death was not nearly polite in this country – and if Pai turned around and saw him, she would probably not share his enthusiasm or his good cheer.

The tiny pyromancer nearly toppled over the overhang herself when she leaned over it. "Instructor - ?"

She trailed off lamely, and as Klaos came to a stop beside her, he wasn't sure whether or not it was appropriate now to laugh – Kai Ying was sitting on the shelf that opened a few feet below the precipice, apparently where he had fallen, and was currently fixing them with a quizzical stare.

"You idiot!"

Both men looked in surprise at Pai, whose arms were crossed, and whose face held a perfectly livid expression that didn't fit her features. "Well. I don't know what to say. I've got half a mind just to leave you there! After all, that's what I'd be doing if you'd gone and fell a thousand feet and died."

Whatever cheer had previously been on the elder elementalist's face promptly disappeared. "Don't be ridiculous, Pai. It was just a momentary lapse of attention. Look, I'm all right."

"Shut up," she said with an accusatory glare. "Klaos, help him up."

"What?" Kai Ying replied, and then quickly, "No, I can – "

At a simple glance from Klaos, which conveyed very clearly that even a fellow elementalist was highly flammable, and that Pai _did_ have a tactical advantage if fighting were to break out, Kai Ying meekly accepted the proffered hand.

For some reason, Pai's anger seemed to dissipate instantaneously, and although she didn't giggle and crack a joke, as both might have liked, she seemed somewhat less irate than before.

"Promise you'll never do it again, and I shan't be mad at you any longer."

"I swear on Melandru's good name," the geomancer obliged, "from now on, I shall always watch where I am going."

"Good," Pai said, "you do realize that you almost died."

"It happens," he said idly, and then with a curious frown, "Are you two going around here alone? That's - "

Evidently he was about to say 'dangerous', but appeared to think better of it.

"Naw, actually," Klaos replied, looking back over his shoulder, "Well, without a healer, we might as well be… it's Zho. You know her, right? Teachers always do."

"Well enough. We were keeping watch for Afflicteds in the Bluffs, but – gods only know how – a pack of Sensalis got us separated."

"She got sidetracked when she saw a Black Moa."

"Typical. I don't suppose she managed to kill it."

"No… there was a rampaging Yeti in the area."

"They do tend to ruin things, don't they?"

"I wonder where she's got off to? She was just behind us – "

A voice reached their ears – one that Klaos thought at first reflex that he might describe as fanatical and overly courageous, and that inspired in Pai a peculiar mélange of alarm and fits of giggling.

"_Back, beast of the infernal pits!" _it shrieked zealously,_ "Back I say! Melandru send you to the burning hells whence you sprang!" _

All three began to emphatically not know how to react as they recognized Zho's voice – soon, the ranger backed over the crest of a hill, loosing arrows fluidly, and constantly surprising her comrades with the fierceness of her yelling. Very soon after that, a group of five Sensalis appeared over the crest, edging down the hill after her and crowing in unison. However, as soon as they caught sight of the three standing not far away and saw that Zho was slowly backing towards them, they appeared to reevaluate their plan, and shortly turned and began to make their way back over the hill.

Apparently puzzled by their quick retreat – but not too much – Zho halted and began calling after them. "That's right, you craven whelps! Flee from me! Melandru flay you for your cowardice! May she rain brimstone down upon your sorry hides! Let her burn your flesh and sear your foul feathers from your skin!"

"Melandru can only do so many things at once," Kai Ying said, making the ranger start in fear and turn abruptly to face the three.

What was visible of Zho's face became quite red.

"… they made me angry."

"Evidently."

"Melandru smite you, too," she snapped, and then stalked away muttering 'smug bastard,' or something to that effect.

On that happy note, they ran after her and agreed to join up, at least until they managed to reach an outpost relatively unscathed.

_End_

_For the record, I shall now be ending my pieces with "end." I think it makes rather a lot of sense. Also, Zho is by far my favorite hench, although I'm unsure of the reason why._


	19. Revenge of the Beach

_For all those duffers out there (Pixi and Chaos that means you) who seem to have gotten the idea that Klaos is some sort of comic character who doesn't do anything but sleep through everything... well, what can I say? It's true.  
_

_This is rated PG for teen drinking, use of language, and implicit innuendo (but only if you're really looking for it, in which case you can find it anywhere, you dirty little hoodla)._

Mourning Sickness

_We (And by that I mean "I") apologize for the terrible title. We (I) are (am) sorry if it causes offense. Not really._

"Honey, I hope you don't mind I invited some people over for dinner."  
Klaos stopped working, but remained in his position, staring down at his breastplate, of which he was in the process of dyeing.

"Well," Pai continued, acutely aware of Klaos's phobia of people who were more experienced than he was, "I thought that we should celebrate in some special way."

Klaos remained silent, still staring down at the silvery liquid that was pooling on his armor.

"It's just a few close friends," she continued, "You know, some of the people from the Guild, and some close friends. Not a lot of people."

"_Et qui sunt?" _Growled Klaos very, very softly.

"Oh, you know, Grimm, Jimmy, Jao, and Maia Hii. Oh, and I invited some of the instructors, oh and Mhenlo and some other people, but they all had some big thing to do about protecting the stupid peasants from those exploding dead people."  
_  
__"Maia Hii est... tua amica ludo?"_

"Yes, we were in ballet together, and oh! She said she was going to bring her boyfriend so we could meet him!"

_"Feminae."_ Muttered Klaos.

Pai looked hurt.

"_Maitent, c'est mon petit ami et ton petit ami et tous ces petits noms comme je-ne-sais-pas, mais je crois que les femmes sont folles quand tout qu'elles parlent c'est les hommes." _

_"_Darling?" Pai moved her face closer, forcing Klaos to look up, "You're speaking nonsense in languages again. Don't do that, sweetie, okay? You know how much it confuses people, especially when you keep switching."

Now it was Klaos's turn to look hurt. However, much as it pained Pai to force Klaos to speak a language foreign to himself, she knew it was necessary if he were to become a vital member of the population. He did try -- she knew that -- but whenever pressed, he would always return to his native languages. _(Yes with an "s", we do edit these, you know. -Lurbe)_ Fortunately, Pai had learned most of them in school, and Klaos was very careful (most of the time) to speak plainly and to not use obscure conjugations, or syncopated forms or funny tenses, so that she could understand him, even if what he said was grammatically incorrect. And he worked so hard to get the words in the right order. Still, thought the nationalist in Pai, if his going to live here, he **should **speak the language. Pai sighed, got up, and went off to collect Klaos before he wandered too far away.

That evening, the invitees gathered in the Lagoon, where Klaos had spent most of the day asking his brothers to clear out for a bit, because he wanted to be alone with his family, and driving out the Crimson Skulls and the like who didn't listen, or decided they didn't like him (or just wanted to catch him in bed with a girl) so that they could stay outdoors in the privacy of grass huts, as opposed to the filth and squalor of the inns and hostels where he and Pai usually stayed while they traveled around.

"Pai!" Maia Hii shrieked across the room, 'It's soooooo good to see you again!" She ran over and gave her friend a big hug, before introducing her companion. "Pai, Klaos; this is my boyfriend, King Tagawalaga of Persia." Pai and Klaos each shook hands with the strapping young warrior.  
"How do you do?" Asked Pai.  
"Am being. Not so un-good," responded the monarch.  
"You'll have to forgive Shrek -- that's what I call him -- a bit," apologized Maia Hii, "He's new and doesn't speak the language too well."

Klaos perked up, _"Dicesne lingua romani?"_  
King Tagawalaga looked slightly less confused, _"O! Non bene, sed milites romani meam patriam superaverunt, et nunc lingua omnis populi dicenda est."__  
_  
Klaos was so shocked and excited, not only by meeting a fellow person of colour, but also one who spoke his language, that he forgot to go on his racist rant (which he did at every gathering of people, no matter how small or large), about how all the civilian and military leaders were all light-skinned and how it was such a pity that young people of colour didn't have anybody to look up to as a role model, and that's what led to them all leaving the continent to go elsewhere or to become violent criminals or hoodla who went around and harassed people in the international zones.

(Of course, it was once pointed out to him, by Grimm, that at least none of the bad guys, like Shiro, were black, so at least you could say that they didn't provide a negative image of minorities. While it was thought to have been a good idea at the time, this only led to Pai's going off on her feminist rant about how all the enemy were men, and why can't women be evil, corrupt turncoats as well. With the result that the "bad guys aren't black" argument was never used again.)

The party continued.

Sometime around 2300, Pai, who was the least drunk of all, on account of her situation, screamed, 'DRAGON LILY!" The camp rose to action, accompanied by a lot of tripping and drunken groping around looking for swords held in the other hand.   
"Idiots," muttered Pai, and blasted the Dragon Lily with a flare. Blinded by the bright flash, Grimm Shadow-Stepped in, but ended up stabbing Jimmy instead of the beast. Klaos, who had forgotten that he was an assassin, started raising minions, before realizing that there were no dead in the immediate area. Maia Hii and Pai stayed at the back, chatting while casting Flame Strikes and healing the menfolk who were too stupid to get out of the way in time. King Tagawalaga showed remarkable talent at falling down on account of hitting nothing with his sword. This continued for some time.

About half an hour later, the drunken partygoers mustered the coordination required to kill off the beast. Most likely on account of having worn off some of the alcohol due to time and adrenaline.

"Hhheyyy," stuttered Jimmy, "Wwwee sshuld gggo fffight ttte Boggg Beasssstte."  
This suggestion was greeted with rounds of approval from those present. They quickly formed a party to go and dispatch the beast while it slept.  
As the party began to head out in four different and wrong directions towards where each of them though the beast was, King Tagawalaga stood up and proposed a toast, which was fortunate for them all, who no doubt would have been killed had they actually gone off on such a quest.

"This a toast in honour of the Klaos Pai and is being. Luck to you am wishing, and if boy girl or are you knowing?"

Pai smiled shyly and thanked the King, saying 'Well, actually, we thought we'd wait and just see when the time comes."

Klaos, on the other hand, was so embarrassed, he turned bright red and went down to hide under the pier. Grimm, not realizing this, turned and caught sight of Klaos's armor, which was still drying, and which Klaos had hung up outside. "He's gone skkkinny dippping!" cried the assassin.

It was too late to stop them. Within a minute, they were gone down to the pier to join Klaos, except for Pai, who was too disgusted to move, Maia Hii, who was laughing too hard to move, and King Tagawalaga, who was too confused to move.

It only took a few minutes before a stunned Klaos came staggering back to the main camp.  
_"O mi di! Sunt nudii... sunt... sed... mi di..."  
_  
He and King Tagawalaga went off to the corner together to share the shock and trauma in their own language, while Pai and Maia Hii stayed behind and cleaned up this dishes by hiding them under the men's things and hoping they would have enough sense to deal with the dishes themselves.

After a while, the party wound down. Jimmy had fallen asleep at the table, and King Tagawalaga and Klaos had been going on for ages about Persia and whether it's easier to cross the Alps with elephants or camels, and had anyone heard any juicy gossip about Cleopatra's supposed elopement with Mark Antoni? Pai and Maia Hii were still playing cards -- what game it was, nobody was sure, and they didn't feel like sharing -- and Grimm had long since left to go find a collector that supposedly lived nearby and would get rid of some of his stuff for him.

Everyone left slowly but surely. Grimm came back with a whole pack of Afflicted after him, which were dispatched by Pai and Maia Hii, because nobody else noticed them there. Eventually Grimm was bribed into taking Jimmy back to the Guild Hall along with a case of Rice Wine. King Tagawalaga became more and more acutely embarrassed until they decided to slip away, leaving Pai and Klaos alone by the pier, where they lay under the stars, with Pai resting her head on Klaos's outstretched arm. Eventually, Pai realized that Klaos was simply asleep, and not being romantic after all, and she decided that she was sick and tired of being stuck out in the cold and wet with Dragon Lilys and dead Crimsons all around -- who cares if they're related to Klaos or not, it's still disgusting - and woke Klaos up to tell him that she was going back to the inn to spend the night in a warm, dry, locked room.

Klaos slept through it all.

Needless to say, when Miki came back in the morning to find her younger brother all alone, asleep, after having eaten all the food, trampled over all the flowerbeds, and burned and slashed down the huts in a struggle with a Dragon Lily, not to mention with hordes of Afflicted waiting nearby to exact revenge on something human, she was not pleased.

* * *

_Note from Pix:__ It's a girl. Trust me._

_Lurbe: Not that any of Klaos's siblings fall into neat little gender categorizations... _


	20. Perilous Journey of the Turtle Caravan

_Pix here. We may have to start a new story, as this one is getting on in its years/chappies._

_Erm... do we do disclaimers? If so, we don't own Guild Wars, but we own Pai and Klaos... sawwy, Lurbe, I get confused sometimes.  
_

**The Peril-Fraught Journey of the Turtle Caravan**  
_  
_

Happy as she was that they had a party of half-loyal followers who had conceded to follow them into Luxon territory, even though their Kurzick allies would probably skin them for it, Pai was somewhat skeptical when Argo asked their 'celebrated band of heroes' for help.

Sure they'd gotten past all that Urn of Saint Viktor nonsense, kicked Argo's pompous arse in the Convocation, and beaten Zhu Hanuku to a bloody pulp – even thrashed that Shiro person to the Fissure of Woe and back – but still, she had a feeling they would be much better suited for other tasks. Like cleaning windows.

"Think about it," she said to Argo later, once she had gotten him out of earshot of her companions. "Klaos has a tank complex. Panaku's idea of fun is to cut someone's ear off and watch them run around in a panic. Instructor Zho chases imaginary Black Moas, Talon spends hours on end getting smashed and preening, Instructor Ying makes jokes about the Am Fah while surrounded by the Am Fah, and Professor Gai's biggest worry in battle is not walking off a cliff."

Argo furrowed his brow, not following her, and Pai began to whine. "I'm the worst one. Remember how I got caught up in the Convocation cuddling Daeman's pet crab and nearly got my team utterly destroyed? Now surely you don't still think you want _us_ escorting your priceless baby turtles across a wide unguarded sea."

Argo appeared personally offended by this display of cowardice and pathetic wheedling.

"Don't be ridiculous. You can't fret your pretty head about those white-faced Kurzick nancy-boys… it'll be a breeze, eh? Firestorm here, Rodgort's Invocation there, you know the drill."

He gave a roguish, fellow-in-arms sort of wink – or what was meant to be a roguish, fellow-in-arms wink – and elbowed Pai playfully in the arm, which hurt quite a lot. She opted not to slap him. It wasn't his fault; Luxons just didn't know how to flirt.

The next morning, she bid farewell to Argo and the three or four of his friends who were nice enough to see them off, and headed to the gates to meet the turtles. Klaos apparently shared none of Pai's anxiety about their imminent failures as escorts, and was currently amusing himself by shadowstepping back and forth between her and Professor Gai (he appeared to be whistling something that sounded a lot like Brahms, which Pai thought was awfully anachronistic, seeing as it hadn't been written yet, and even if it had been, Brahms would have been a Kurzick anyway).

The first turret of the siege turtles came into view, and in true form, Pai shrugged off her worry and tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

* * *

The discrepancy was astounding, between Pai's initial "focused" expression and the one that appeared just after that, as soon as the baby turtles nestled between the siege turtles came into sight. Klaos could only describe it as a look of nauseating sweetness, like the one you gave to a baby or a good-looking chocolate bar. Apparently, Pai's common sense, if indeed she had ever possessed such a thing, had abandoned her immediately upon meeting with the baby turtles. Within seconds, she vowed that they would live to see the Leviathan Pits if it killed her.

Klaos figured that in the end, it probably would. She'd probably take him, and everyone else, with her. He also knew without a doubt that with these adorable animals in sight, the normally efficient nuker was going to be utterly useless as soon as any sort of fighting broke out. However, the last time he'd brought this to her attention, he had been set on fire, and so he kept his mouth shut. Perhaps with some luck, she would at least have the sense to protect her turtles and do some killing at the same time in the interest of self-preservation.

Trouble was quick in coming, and although Klaos did his best to remember those couple of Dwayna prayers he actually remembered from his youth, all Pai did was gather three unwilling baby turtles into her arms and kick the first couple of Kurzicks who dared come close to them with violent intentions.

Klaos had an alarming flashback to the episode with Daeman's crab, and quickly shadowstepped over to stab as many as he could before they could drag her off. However, his efforts were thwarted and he quickly moved out of the way when Pai once again decided to be dramatic and burst into flames.

"That ain't helping, mate!"

Time crawled along as they tried not to be obliterated, and presently, Sister Tai made it known that it was not healthy for a monk to be doing so much resurrecting. Since Klaos was doing most of the killing, and being killed, he figured that he did not have the time to lead a mass retreat. That was usually Pai's job, and she was otherwise occupied. Cycling through possible choices of people to go make her take charge, Klaos bypassed Panaku with a frown and came instead to her former teacher, who was currently trying to convince the unwilling assassin to tank so he could cast in safety.

"Oi, earth-bag!" Klaos shouted, earning himself a scowl, "get Pai, will you? She'll listen to you, eh?"

Thankful that Kai Ying had decided not to complain, Klaos resumed his leaping mantis strikes.

* * *

Kai Ying had to shout over the din of explosions and siege-turtle cannonballs, and even so, Pai interrupted him with a glare.

"Go away!" she snapped, "I'm perfectly fine! Look, we're winning!"

"What – are we? No we're not!" he retorted, bewildered. "Pai, this is ridiculous! They're just turtles!"

"We can just do what we always do! You know. That brink of death, shouting match, miraculous recovery thing!"

"Beg to differ. I've been warding till I'm blue, and might I point out we're _not_ winning. Far from it, actually. A man can only dragon-stomp so many times in one hour, you know."

A moment passed in loud, explosive, screechy silence.

"Fine!" Pai finally groused, "_You_ stay here, then."

"Wait, but… that won't help at all – "

"If you let any of them die, I'll immolate you where it hurts!"

With a sigh, Kai Ying took up his new position near Pai's precious baby turtles, grumbling something about having thought he'd taught her better than to threaten an authority figure with violent death, and began to focus on the alternative that did not involve Pai exacting fiery, messy, and thoroughly unpredictable revenge on his squishy parts.

The attacking Kurzicks, however, were another story, for once they found that hurting the baby turtles had become quite difficult due to the constant quaking of the ground beneath them, they decided en masse to deal with him instead. And yet, even in retrospect, this seemed a less gruesome fate than being roasted alive by a crazy animal-loving zealot, and so he grinned and bore it, and tried his best not to be tackled by a thick knot of sword-waving maniacs.

* * *

An hour later, the bedraggled party greeted a very surprised Argo back at Gyala Hatchery. Bloodied and grime-covered, they guiltily confronted the Luxon elementalist. 

Argo said nothing into the awkward silence, and Pai coughed daintily to fill the void. Klaos shadowstepped idly.

"Where, pray tell," he asked delicately, "did the turtles go?"

"Well, that's the thing," Pai said as, behind her, her party became very interested in the ground. "We… need some more."

Klaos made sure not to be nearby when Argo erupted into a pillar of flame.

_End_

_Let it be known that Lurbe and Pix wasted a total of 65 baby turtles trying to beat that infernal mission.  
_


End file.
